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|| Monday, March 26, 2007 ||THE TEARS HAVEN'T STOPPED
Several nights ago, I finally thought to use the nebulizer I once lent to my brother for Py's use. There, where you store the tubing, was the set Py used.
I broke down in tears, thinking that the mouthpiece might still have some of Pyro still... I couldn't throw it away.
And then there are the dreams of my SIL's new baby... always resembling Py, always morphing into Py, always suffering from what Py suffered from in the end. Hay. My sister is getting all the more alarmed that my SIL's baby will look like Py nga and she really doesn't like that.
And then I'd hear Py's yaya tell of how my brother would always be sporting puffy eyes, swollen from crying all the time in their bedroom when he comes home from work.
I know my SIL cries for him still... which is aggravating all her pregnancy symptoms...
It's the little things and the minutest associations... like hearing how breastfed babies are less likely to suffer from leukemia and lymphoma at the breastfeeding workshop we attended, seeing a Spongebob seat at Tiendesitas, the Light Expo at Roxas Blvd, Star City...
When am alone, I can sometimes expect him to really appear and call to me in that sweet, naglalambing voice of his...
I miss him.
We miss him.
Tomorrow, he'd have been gone for three months already... life has went on for us, yes, but he was such a big part of our life that it's still hard accepting that we've forever lost him.
Before, he used to comment "Si Tita Mec, buntis" when he sees my tummy... now that I am pregnant, it hurts that he's not around for the real thing. I'd have loved him touching my belly...
I guess one can just imagine how painful it really is for his parents... I always wish that they can cope with their grief better because their new child deserves as much expectant joy as Pyro received...
|| Thursday, March 01, 2007 ||GIFTS OF LOVE
My husband and I found out that we're pregnant the day we had to celebrate Pyro's 40 days. The pastor invited to my SIL's home invoked that seven kids will replace Py, to which my husband responded by sobbing. After all, though we're so happy to be pregnant, we didn't know how to break the news to my brother and SIL.
Those who knew us and what we've recently gone thru shed tears with us when they found out that am expecting.
And then I started having problems, mainly spotting, threatening a miscarriage. Which was why i've taken to talking to Py a lot... crying to him everytime I lay on the clinic to have an ultrasound performed, praying that he intervene for me and my baby, that he watch over the baby.
So imagine how we must have felt when we found out that my SIL is also expecting. And imagine how others who knew us felt to know that we're twice being blessed. :)
I even told my SIL that we wanted twins, but maybe Py made sure we got one each instead.
God is good. My Mom cried upon finding out that I was pregnant, saying that now she believes Pyro is with us and knew how we long for a baby. Yesterday, we told her about how Angie is expecting too.
We're both due on October... am only about a week ahead of her. And my Mom is coming home for the births... hopefully, it will help her make peace with Pyro's death.
I've put off writing this because I had to wait for an OB to confirm my SIL's pregnancy. Our baby, meanwhile, is developing nicely and we've already seen proof of its heartbeat (am still spotting everyday though, so everyone's still fretting over me).
My sister found out first about my SIL being preggy... and she cried and cried and cried over the gift.
I told her before how guilty I felt... as if our baby was replacing Py. And how scared I felt, that our baby wouldn't be as loved as Py. My sis assured me that I shouldn't feel those things, and reminded me that nothing can ever happen to change our love for Py. We always have, therefore, we always would. And love doesn't get diminished when you love more people.
Our family is blessed. And grateful. And humbled.
God is good. He gives us things to look forward to, He allows us to remain hopeful.
I thought up a name for a baby girl for my SIL... with reference to Pyro's manifestation with my friend Cath. Pyro supposedly mentioned he wanted the baby girl coming to our family named Rose or Esperanza (hope) so I told my sister to convince my SIL to name their child (if it's a girl) HOPE ANGELINE... Angel of Hope :)
Isn't that a beautiful name? So here's hoping my brother's second child will be a girl (and the Hope-James Yap scandal will die down soon).
Hubs and I kasi have thought up names na for our kids, hehe.
My sis, however, prays fervently that none of the babies will look like Py.
October... was when we found out that Pyro was sick. It took the whole month of October 2005, two hospitals and several medical experts to confirm that he had cancer.
Angie and I are both due on October (tentatively, mine is the 15th, hers is the 26th).
Coincidence? I think not.
And I thank Py and God for giving back October to us.
Indeed, this is the greatest testament to how the circle of life continues... because it continues for us.