COMFORT MY MOM
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|| Monday, March 24, 2008 ||THE CIRCLE OF LIFE CONTINUES
... And may I introduce Pyro's brother, born a year and three months after his passing.
Let this be the last entry here (unless I revisit this again to mull over how life has progressed without Py years from now), the perfect testament to how the circle of life continues, and how God's grace and love continues.
Ice was born on Easter Sunday, in Tagalog, Linggo ng Pagkabuhay... I can't think of a more fitting sign from above, or from Py. New life, new love, new things to hope for.
My brother cried and cried yesterday. He told me he's still not feeling okay about being back in a hospital, more so, the hospital where his firstborn was delivered. I will admit, the hospital haunted me too... esply after I saw the lobby where Pyro ran about while we were waiting for a cab to take us to PCMC. That was his first confinement.
My brother was also not yet ready to view Ice at the nursery and I really feel for him. Hopefully, Ice will be the final treatment to my brother and sister-in law's wounds... and he will heal his parents' loss... and they will enjoy a life ahead as a family.
I had and still have my worries too, scared that my brother won't lavish as much affection on Ice as he did on Py... because he'd be scared to get too attached again. Or that he might feel he's being disloyal to Py's memory. I have no such fears over my SIL because a mother loves all her children, regardless of whether they are alive or not.
I end my chronicles here, not because there is no more pain in remembering how Py is no more. There will always be pain and longing for him. But I have vowed to love Ice more than I ever did Py, because he'd be the closest thing we will have of Py and because I don't want him ever to feel that he has to replace Py for us. And I vow to protect him from any dangerous comparisons and expectations arising from a much-loved, but dead, older brother.
And I know Py understands and wants the same.
Now, both Py and Yakee are kuyas :)
|| Thursday, December 27, 2007 ||A YEAR AGO TODAY
... i was awakened by the incessant ringing of my phone, only to hear your father crying at the other end of the line, pleading for me to come because you're not looking so good in the hospital.
Around five hours after, you took your last breath.
Three hundred and sixty four days later, our hearts are still breaking from losing you.
And yet, today I find that because of you, there are a lot of people to be thankful for.
Your doctors (Dr. Gepte, Gonzales and Ong) who did their best. Dr. Barias who tried to help.
Friends... your father's and mother's, mine and your godfather's, your godmother's and your godparents'.
And all your aunts and uncles have been lovely.
And all the people who were touched by your short life.
And the courage your parents displayed.
And the grace we all had to be sad and yet find something beautiful in the experience.
You brought so many new people and friends into our lives. You brought your family together like never before.
Hopefully, your death will also make your parents better versions of themselves... by choosing more wisely, investing more wisely, and living with more love. I wish for them to honor your memory by becoming better, more responsible parents to your future siblings.
Because I know I and your godfather are... after having known you, after learning from you.
The best came for you when you left us. I believe that.
The best is yet to come for all of us left behind, if we claim it.
|| Tuesday, December 25, 2007 ||MERRY CHRISTMAS, DARLING
I sat where your Mom sat with you last Christmas, right in the front pew. And I held your cousin in my arms and couldn't help the tears that came... the irony of going to Midnight Mass with a dying child last year, and going to Midnight Mass with a thriving child this year isn't lost on me.
And when the priest called on the people to line up to kiss the Sto. Niño, I understood why your father had to turn away.
But know what, baby, it was brave of your parents to come to Lipa... they must be remembering your last days so much these days. And it was brave of them to attend Mass.
And i'm sure, they'd be braver still as they give your baby brother a better life than the one they envisioned for you. Not because they'd love this new baby more... but because they've learned from mistakes, from others, from life. And because the circle of life and love continues... and they must move forward, not just for their sake, or for this new baby's sake... but to honor you as well.
Christmas isn't the same without you.
Then again, we were privileged to have loved and been loved by you... so there is still much to be thankful for.
|| Monday, November 26, 2007 ||A MANIFESTATION
I heard of your aunt's dream where you were holding a baby and saying you wouldn't put it down because it's your baby sister, Zipporah. Now, we're surer it's going to be a girl for your parents this time.
And last week, Tita Gang saw you in your navy blue suit coming out of what used to be your bedroom and going down the stairs.
Did you manifest because your Lola's finally here and sleeping where you used to sleep?
Or because you felt we were forgetting you because of Yakee?
Or were your eminding us that your death anniversary is coming soon?
Or did you just want to say that you've never truly left us?
We can only wonder...
I just hope you know you are always loved. Always missed. Always thought of.
|| Friday, November 02, 2007 ||ALWAYS REMEMBERED
Your Ninong Jojo had to visit your grave alone yesterday... because i'm in no conditon to really brave the Halloween crowd, and your baby cousin shouldn't be exposed to so many elements this early. I know you understand, baby. I know you saw Ninang Rez and Tita Gang the other day... and look forward to your parents returning with your cousins and yaya Dimples there tomorrow.
In a way, I feel ashamed to say that most of us have moved on. Not from love of you, but from the loss of you. Ninong and I are busy enjoying parenthood, and Tita Gang and Rez can't help but adore cousin Yakee a lot too. We've arrived at a place where we can remember more of the good times with you. Everyday comparing Yakee's development with yours, everyday believing that you're the reason Yakee always smiles and giggles and laughs, especially when he's asleep.
Your father can't handle holding a baby just yet... I hope you help prepare him to be able to celebrate your sibling's arrival in April. And I know you'd understand if your parents will move on, in time, and maybe focus more on your sibling (we feel it's a girl). It's but right, right baby? I know you'd want nothing more than to have your sister feel as loved and blessed as you were when you were still alive.
Py... share your sense of God's wonder with Yakee and your sister... and your other cousins. Let them be as touched by God as you were, so that they'd grow up as good as you.
Always, we will love you. Always, we'd remember.
|| Saturday, September 29, 2007 ||NINE MONTHS
I secretly wished i'd give birth on the 27th... thinking that it would have been nice to say that 9 mos from the day you left us, our family has been blessed with child again. But I guess your cousin is taking his time in coming out...
I miss you.
We miss you.
And if, there are things that you see happening to us that saddens you, I just tell myself that at least, you're party to God's GRAND PLAN now...
I am amazed that I can talk about you without breaking down anymore... back then, I didn't know i'd ever reach this place. I doubt the tears will ever stop coming for you, but at least I can now also just really remember you and enjoy the memories you left behind.
Tell Yakee that he has to take after you ha... and be a sweet, dear boy :)
|| Monday, July 23, 2007 ||
We were caught in traffic because a bus driver lost control of his vehicle and ended up blocking the entire road just after the Dimasalang (?) bridge... so it took us 2 hours to get to the cemetery.
Py's cousins were subjected to a long, humid wait... and by the time we got there, the skies above were already threatening rain.
So we had to expedite the celebration there... my SIL's family set up a tent over Pyro's niche... and some of the kids living in the cemetery picked calachuchi from the trees there to adorn Py's tomb with. Only, the flowers and the candles couldn't stand the heat talaga.
We said a short prayer... and we released the balloons my sister bought. We had Py's cousin blow the candle in Pyro's stead. I bought this huge mocha cake for the kids living there while SIL's family brought pancit to share with them too. SIL also lovingly made these chocolate lollipops to give away to them.
It's a good thing I didn't cry much. But of course, I cried. My brother cried too while we were saying a prayer.
Then we went to my SIL's home to properly eat.
I realized yet again how blessed Pyro was... seeing his cousins gathered there for him... having 3 of his Ninongs present... seeing his aunts/uncles taking the trouble to celebrate this special day.
In a way, it does make one feel guilty... that there are all these other kids who are alive who don't even get half the attention and blessing that Pyro continues to enjoy.
In another way, it reminded us that love goes on as life goes on... even after a death. And Py's birthday will always have to be celebrated because it was on that day that God gave him to us to bring us His love.
SIL texted yesterday how she cried that morning because she was missing Py. Despite my tears I had to remind her that before leaving us, Py made sure to leave us with sooo many stories and wonderful memories that will make us smile for a lifetime.
I asked my unborn, that if he could somehow communicate with those in heaven, to greet Py for us... and tell him we love him.
It's just really sad that Yakee and Pyro never got to meet and play with each other.
One other sad thing at the cemetery... there should have been three women with bulging bellies there. I'm thankful that my baby is growing just fine inside me, but I can't help but mourn with my SIL and Py's Ninang who lost theirs.