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|| Tuesday, January 17, 2006 ||


Image hosted by Photobucket.comI'm going to be admitted today.

And then i'm going to have my operation this Thursday.

Today marks the day I'd either start to really get better... or worse.

I'd like to say that today marks the day I start dying, but philosophically, my Tita Mec would say that I started dying the moment I started living, which was about the time my Dad's sperm fertilized my Mom's egg cell.

And then there's also that fact that people around me heard my biological clock ticking last October 03, when I first got confined.

Anyway, I hate to admit that i'm feeling tired already... of the medicines (I take about 5 different kinds now, every day), of the trips to the hospital, of seeing my 'elders' come and go and me not being able to tag along...

I'm also tired of breathing... for around 2 weeks now, it's really been hard to breathe. It's hard to even play anymore. And the right of my chest has gotten a little disfigured again. I guess the tumor in my lung is just really aggressive, and was all too happy to regenerate.

I don't know how long i'd be in the hospital this time.... or if i'd ever come out of it alive. I don't know how long i'd be in the ICU... or how long i'd be doped up for the operation. I don't know how long i'd last not actually seeing my family around me while in the ICU, because, of course having them around won't be so sanitary for all of us in intensive care.

I don't know when i'd be able to play with my toys again... or pose for pictures for Tita Mec. I'd miss Ninong Jojo's arrival back from Thailand, and I don't know when i'd get to borrow their Mickey Mouse hands. I don't know if my parents' portable DVD player will be allowed inside, or would I even be awake enough to watch movies from it. I don't even know if i'd be out in time to spend some loving time with Lola before she goes back to the US.

But Lola cooked her usual delicious lugaw for me this morning. She has so many other things to attend to but she's home with us because she loves me.

I wonder when i'd get to feel all the love of my loved ones again... when i'd truly smile again.

But I know Papa Jesus has a plan... and if HE wants me to play around fountains again, HE will make it happen.

Still, pray for me again?

And thank you to everyone who has been so kind.

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