COMFORT MY MOM
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LEAVE KIND WORDS
|| Friday, October 14, 2005 ||HOW AM I GONNA COPE?
I cannot say there haven't been tears from my end over this. But the fact that my brother and sister both have shed copious amounts of tears already out of anguish, I find that I have also been relatively calmer than one would usually expect.
Especially since am one of the more melodramatic in the world.
Then again, I do become more calm and composed and objective when am most in pain.
Yes, some call it feeling NUMB.
And i've only had a decent sleep after they've confirmed that the tumor is malignant. I guess it helps knowing more about your enemy, because you can now give it a face, a name.
So, I go about my daily tasks, unable really to concentrate on work, and without the energy to tackle wedding preparations. I coordinate people staying with Pyro at the hospital, I monitor the bills, I play "bearer of bad news" for my Mom (who's in the US) and his Mom (who's in Vietnam) and I perform a regular text brigade asking people for prayers.
And last night, hearing phrases like "prognosis is very poor" and "these cases are very rare", all I could do was nod my head.
After all, i've come prepared with literature I got from the internet.
But of course, nothing will ever prepare me for the sight of my siblings sobbing. And I cried with them.
I can't remember a time that we cried like that, all 3 of us. Especially since Jun and I aren't really close. Time stood still and there was only pain.
But there I was, the eldest, holding them both... crying with them in a detached, observing ghost-like way.
I even noticed that one of my sister's hair has fallen on her uniform and brushed that away.
Or that she's quaking with emotion as she kept moving her head from side-to-side, seemingly wanting to negate or deny or erase all the things that the doctor has told us.
I wouldn't be surprised if she flunked her exams. She's been aching to just stay with Pyro since last week.
I even had to follow her to the chapel and cry with her some more.
Because I had to ask her to never cry again in front of Pyro. Doctor's orders.
And when she said she couldn't, I reminded her that she supposedly loves Py very much and will do everything for him.
That included being brave.
And to her question why God would send us a nephew and then threaten to take him away prematurely, I didn't really have an answer.
I just told her we will fight. And there is always hope.
But inside, I think I was already silently letting Py go. A coping mechanism, preparing for the worst.
And I am ashamed to be such a coward, to want to avoid pain so. Because this means am not 100% hopeful for Py.
And i'm sorry.
For I really want Py to live.
But I honestly think i'd rather we lose him soon, than see him completely waste away from this illness. I'd rather let him go than have him hold on because he could feel our need for him to be alive. I'd rather he have some more quality of life than to end his days trapped in the hospital.
And yes, those are fears talking.
But it doesn't mean we won't fight, that we wouldn't exert every effort and spend all our resources to give him a chance.
I just hope God will send us signs if it's already His plan to really claim Py again.
So yes, I'm letting go... and letting God.