In times of Pain

2008-03-24T18:05:00.003+08:00

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE CONTINUES

... And may I introduce Pyro's brother, born a year and three months after his passing.

Let this be the last entry here (unless I revisit this again to mull over how life has progressed without Py years from now), the perfect testament to how the circle of life continues, and how God's grace and love continues.

Ice was born on Easter Sunday, in Tagalog, Linggo ng Pagkabuhay... I can't think of a more fitting sign from above, or from Py. New life, new love, new things to hope for.

My brother cried and cried yesterday. He told me he's still not feeling okay about being back in a hospital, more so, the hospital where his firstborn was delivered. I will admit, the hospital haunted me too... esply after I saw the lobby where Pyro ran about while we were waiting for a cab to take us to PCMC. That was his first confinement.

My brother was also not yet ready to view Ice at the nursery and I really feel for him. Hopefully, Ice will be the final treatment to my brother and sister-in law's wounds... and he will heal his parents' loss... and they will enjoy a life ahead as a family.

I had and still have my worries too, scared that my brother won't lavish as much affection on Ice as he did on Py... because he'd be scared to get too attached again. Or that he might feel he's being disloyal to Py's memory. I have no such fears over my SIL because a mother loves all her children, regardless of whether they are alive or not.

I end my chronicles here, not because there is no more pain in remembering how Py is no more. There will always be pain and longing for him. But I have vowed to love Ice more than I ever did Py, because he'd be the closest thing we will have of Py and because I don't want him ever to feel that he has to replace Py for us. And I vow to protect him from any dangerous comparisons and expectations arising from a much-loved, but dead, older brother.

And I know Py understands and wants the same.

Now, both Py and Yakee are kuyas :)

2007-12-27T09:18:00.000+08:00

A YEAR AGO TODAY

... i was awakened by the incessant ringing of my phone, only to hear your father crying at the other end of the line, pleading for me to come because you're not looking so good in the hospital.

Around five hours after, you took your last breath.

Three hundred and sixty four days later, our hearts are still breaking from losing you.

And yet, today I find that because of you, there are a lot of people to be thankful for.

Your doctors (Dr. Gepte, Gonzales and Ong) who did their best. Dr. Barias who tried to help.

Friends... your father's and mother's, mine and your godfather's, your godmother's and your godparents'.

And all your aunts and uncles have been lovely.

And all the people who were touched by your short life.

And the courage your parents displayed.

And the grace we all had to be sad and yet find something beautiful in the experience.

You brought so many new people and friends into our lives. You brought your family together like never before.

Hopefully, your death will also make your parents better versions of themselves... by choosing more wisely, investing more wisely, and living with more love. I wish for them to honor your memory by becoming better, more responsible parents to your future siblings.

Because I know I and your godfather are... after having known you, after learning from you.

The best came for you when you left us. I believe that.

The best is yet to come for all of us left behind, if we claim it.

2007-12-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DARLING

I sat where your Mom sat with you last Christmas, right in the front pew. And I held your cousin in my arms and couldn't help the tears that came... the irony of going to Midnight Mass with a dying child last year, and going to Midnight Mass with a thriving child this year isn't lost on me.

And when the priest called on the people to line up to kiss the Sto. Niño, I understood why your father had to turn away.

But know what, baby, it was brave of your parents to come to Lipa... they must be remembering your last days so much these days. And it was brave of them to attend Mass.

And i'm sure, they'd be braver still as they give your baby brother a better life than the one they envisioned for you. Not because they'd love this new baby more... but because they've learned from mistakes, from others, from life. And because the circle of life and love continues... and they must move forward, not just for their sake, or for this new baby's sake... but to honor you as well.

Christmas isn't the same without you.

Then again, we were privileged to have loved and been loved by you... so there is still much to be thankful for.

2007-11-26T16:25:00.000+08:00

A MANIFESTATION
I heard of your aunt's dream where you were holding a baby and saying you wouldn't put it down because it's your baby sister, Zipporah. Now, we're surer it's going to be a girl for your parents this time.

And last week, Tita Gang saw you in your navy blue suit coming out of what used to be your bedroom and going down the stairs.

Did you manifest because your Lola's finally here and sleeping where you used to sleep?

Or because you felt we were forgetting you because of Yakee?

Or were your eminding us that your death anniversary is coming soon?

Or did you just want to say that you've never truly left us?

We can only wonder...

I just hope you know you are always loved. Always missed. Always thought of.

2007-11-02T15:38:00.000+08:00

ALWAYS REMEMBERED

Your Ninong Jojo had to visit your grave alone yesterday... because i'm in no conditon to really brave the Halloween crowd, and your baby cousin shouldn't be exposed to so many elements this early. I know you understand, baby. I know you saw Ninang Rez and Tita Gang the other day... and look forward to your parents returning with your cousins and yaya Dimples there tomorrow.

In a way, I feel ashamed to say that most of us have moved on. Not from love of you, but from the loss of you. Ninong and I are busy enjoying parenthood, and Tita Gang and Rez can't help but adore cousin Yakee a lot too. We've arrived at a place where we can remember more of the good times with you. Everyday comparing Yakee's development with yours, everyday believing that you're the reason Yakee always smiles and giggles and laughs, especially when he's asleep.

Your father can't handle holding a baby just yet... I hope you help prepare him to be able to celebrate your sibling's arrival in April. And I know you'd understand if your parents will move on, in time, and maybe focus more on your sibling (we feel it's a girl). It's but right, right baby? I know you'd want nothing more than to have your sister feel as loved and blessed as you were when you were still alive.

Py... share your sense of God's wonder with Yakee and your sister... and your other cousins. Let them be as touched by God as you were, so that they'd grow up as good as you.

Always, we will love you. Always, we'd remember.

2007-09-29T19:26:00.000+08:00

NINE MONTHS
I secretly wished i'd give birth on the 27th... thinking that it would have been nice to say that 9 mos from the day you left us, our family has been blessed with child again. But I guess your cousin is taking his time in coming out...

I miss you.

We miss you.

And if, there are things that you see happening to us that saddens you, I just tell myself that at least, you're party to God's GRAND PLAN now...

*~*

I am amazed that I can talk about you without breaking down anymore... back then, I didn't know i'd ever reach this place. I doubt the tears will ever stop coming for you, but at least I can now also just really remember you and enjoy the memories you left behind.

*~*

Tell Yakee that he has to take after you ha... and be a sweet, dear boy :)

2007-07-23T10:34:00.000+08:00

We were caught in traffic because a bus driver lost control of his vehicle and ended up blocking the entire road just after the Dimasalang (?) bridge... so it took us 2 hours to get to the cemetery.

Py's cousins were subjected to a long, humid wait... and by the time we got there, the skies above were already threatening rain.

So we had to expedite the celebration there... my SIL's family set up a tent over Pyro's niche... and some of the kids living in the cemetery picked calachuchi from the trees there to adorn Py's tomb with. Only, the flowers and the candles couldn't stand the heat talaga.

We said a short prayer... and we released the balloons my sister bought. We had Py's cousin blow the candle in Pyro's stead. I bought this huge mocha cake for the kids living there while SIL's family brought pancit to share with them too. SIL also lovingly made these chocolate lollipops to give away to them.

It's a good thing I didn't cry much. But of course, I cried. My brother cried too while we were saying a prayer.

Then we went to my SIL's home to properly eat.

*~*

I realized yet again how blessed Pyro was... seeing his cousins gathered there for him... having 3 of his Ninongs present... seeing his aunts/uncles taking the trouble to celebrate this special day.

In a way, it does make one feel guilty... that there are all these other kids who are alive who don't even get half the attention and blessing that Pyro continues to enjoy.

In another way, it reminded us that love goes on as life goes on... even after a death. And Py's birthday will always have to be celebrated because it was on that day that God gave him to us to bring us His love.

*~*

SIL texted yesterday how she cried that morning because she was missing Py. Despite my tears I had to remind her that before leaving us, Py made sure to leave us with sooo many stories and wonderful memories that will make us smile for a lifetime.

*~*

I asked my unborn, that if he could somehow communicate with those in heaven, to greet Py for us... and tell him we love him.

It's just really sad that Yakee and Pyro never got to meet and play with each other.

*~*

One other sad thing at the cemetery... there should have been three women with bulging bellies there. I'm thankful that my baby is growing just fine inside me, but I can't help but mourn with my SIL and Py's Ninang who lost theirs.

*~*
Pics here

2007-07-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR PYRO
(who would have been four years old today)

I dreamt of you last night... I was shouting Yapeeyee to make you stop something you're doing...

*~*

Credits: used Joyce Designs Sweet Dreams paper and heart
Fonts: lainie day, kelt and bickham script

Journalling: we'd always be sad that you only had three birthdays with us... but we'd always celebrate the day God gave you to us for you enriched our lives with so much beauty and love

*~*

We'd be converging at your resting place... I will buy the biggest mocha cake I can find, and we'd sing you the usual birthday song. And then we'll share the cake with the kids living at the cemetery, who have grown to be your friends, who continue watching over your grave, who picks flowers for you just because you're the cutest boy they know.

They know of the toys buried with you. They know how blessed with love you were when you were alive. That's why we're sharing your cake with them today. That's why your Mom is making those chocolate pops to give to them.

Tita Alma and Ninang Grace are also buying balloons for you... frustrated that we didn't get to fly some when we buried you.

Chances are, we'd all be crying a lot. But only because you're gone. Your birth will always be one of the happiest days in all our lives. Your birth will always be a miracle... a proof of God's love.

2007-07-18T14:30:00.001+08:00

HIS BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP...

... well, that's all I can think about, really.

I know it's bad to be crying every day again over him... resisting the urge to really remember... resisting the urge to dwell on our loss...

... this is the first time that i'd be buying a birthday cake that he won't enjoy... oh, how I used to worry and plan over which perfect cake design to get for him...

I dare not even ask how my brother and SIL are...

*~*

I dreamt of him while I was in the hospital several days ago. In the dream, he was only around one year old... and he was claiming as his the baby clothes we have prepared for my unborn son. My sister and I would hide the clothes and he'd go playing again... and then find the clothes again and go running with them again.

In a weird way though... it wasn't a sad dream, so I didn't end up crying upon waking up.

*~*

My husband's family is thrilled that we're having a boy... my side of the family is torn. Of course, we're happy anticipating his birth, but we know that there'd be pain as well.

There'd always be pain for as long as we love him. And like what i've always said, we'd always love Py.

Always.

*~*

One thing is for sure, we'd make sure to raise our boy in a way that he won't have to compete with his cousin's memory... but we'd also teach him to love and learn from that cousin he never got to meet.

I'm just praying for some peace and comfort now...

2007-07-10T16:19:00.000+08:00

HIS BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP...

... and days have been hard again, and tear-filled again.

2007-04-27T14:41:00.000+08:00

FOUR MONTHS HAVE GONE...

... and it still feels like a ~~bad~~ dream.

Denise Bailey's FRESH Kit (Paper, overlay and tag)
Jenna Nelson's Freebie Vintage Frame
Fonts: Celtic and Anke Calligraphy

2007-04-19T16:41:00.000+08:00

GOD HAD OTHER PLANS

It is with much sadness that I share the news that my SIL, PYro's Mom, lost the baby she's carrying. At around 3 months and 1 week, it was determined that the fetus died around 8 weeks... which required my SIL to undergo D&C.

I cried so much when I found out... feeling sorry for her and my brother, and unable to imagine how painful this loss could be, coming along the heels of still mourning for Py.

And it's weird, because I was always dreaming of that child... when he was no more pala.

But I know God has more perfect plans.

"Notice how God opens millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds? Don't try to force anything, let life be a constant letting go and letting God."

*~*

I know some of you are still waiting on what happened to our plan to visit the sick kids at PCMC. Unfortunately, we still haven't heard back from them.

Still, if all goes well... something more beautiful might just happen in its place. And i'd collect the toys and help you promised to help other families, and maybe spare them from the tragedy we went through.

*~*

Even with Py gone, he was still one of the greatest proofs for me that there IS a God. No amount of pain from his death could ever outweigh all the beauty he brought in my life... in our lives.

2007-03-26T14:35:00.000+08:00

THE TEARS HAVEN'T STOPPED

Several nights ago, I finally thought to use the nebulizer I once lent to my brother for Py's use. There, where you store the tubing, was the set Py used.

I broke down in tears, thinking that the mouthpiece might still have some of Pyro still... I couldn't throw it away.

And then there are the dreams of my SIL's new baby... always resembling Py, always morphing into Py, always suffering from what Py suffered from in the end. Hay. My sister is getting all the more alarmed that my SIL's baby will look like Py nga and she really doesn't like that.

And then I'd hear Py's yaya tell of how my brother would always be sporting puffy eyes, swollen from crying all the time in their bedroom when he comes home from work.

I know my SIL cries for him still... which is aggravating all her pregnancy symptoms...

It's the little things and the minutest associations... like hearing how breastfed babies are less likely to suffer from leukemia and lymphoma at the breastfeeding workshop we attended, seeing a Spongebob seat at Tiendesitas, the Light Expo at Roxas Blvd, Star City...

When am alone, I can sometimes expect him to really appear and call to me in that sweet, naglalambing voice of his...

I miss him.

We miss him.

Tomorrow, he'd have been gone for three months already... life has went on for us, yes, but he was such a big part of our life that it's still hard accepting that we've forever lost him.

*~*

Before, he used to comment "Si Tita Mec, buntis" when he sees my tummy... now that I am pregnant, it hurts that he's not around for the real thing. I'd have loved him touching my belly...

*~*

I guess one can just imagine how painful it really is for his parents... I always wish that they can cope with their grief better because their new child deserves as much expectant joy as Pyro received...

2007-03-01T19:29:00.000+08:00

GIFTS OF LOVE

My husband and I found out that we're pregnant the day we had to celebrate Pyro's 40 days. The pastor invited to my SIL's home invoked that seven kids will replace Py, to which my husband responded by sobbing. After all, though we're so happy to be pregnant, we didn't know how to break the news to my brother and SIL.

Those who knew us and what we've recently gone thru shed tears with us when they found out that am expecting.

And then I started having problems, mainly spotting, threatening a miscarriage. Which was why i've taken to talking to Py a lot... crying to him everytime I lay on the clinic to have an ultrasound performed, praying that he intervene for me and my baby, that he watch over the baby.

So imagine how we must have felt when we found out that my SIL is also expecting. And imagine how others who knew us felt to know that we're twice being blessed. :)

I even told my SIL that we wanted twins, but maybe Py made sure we got one each instead.

God is good. My Mom cried upon finding out that I was pregnant, saying that now she believes Pyro is with us and knew how we long for a baby. Yesterday, we told her about how Angie is expecting too.

We're both due on October... am only about a week ahead of her. And my Mom is coming home for the births... hopefully, it will help her make peace with Pyro's death.

I've put off writing this because I had to wait for an OB to confirm my SIL's pregnancy. Our baby, meanwhile, is developing nicely and we've already seen proof of its heartbeat (am still spotting everyday though, so everyone's still fretting over me).

*~*

My sister found out first about my SIL being preggy... and she cried and cried and cried over the gift.

I told her before how guilty I felt... as if our baby was replacing Py. And how scared I felt, that our baby wouldn't be as loved as Py. My sis assured me that I shouldn't feel those things, and reminded me that nothing can ever happen to change our love for Py. We always have, therefore, we always would. And love doesn't get diminished when you love more people.

*~*

Our family is blessed. And grateful. And humbled.

God is good. He gives us things to look forward to, He allows us to remain hopeful.

*~*

I thought up a name for a baby girl for my SIL... with reference to Pyro's manifestation with my friend Cath. Pyro supposedly mentioned he wanted the baby girl coming to our family named Rose or Esperanza (hope) so I told my sister to convince my SIL to name their child (if it's a girl) HOPE ANGELINE... Angel of Hope :)

Isn't that a beautiful name? So here's hoping my brother's second child will be a girl (and the Hope-James Yap scandal will die down soon).

Hubs and I kasi have thought up names na for our kids, hehe.

*~*

My sis, however, prays fervently that none of the babies will look like Py.

*~*

October... was when we found out that Pyro was sick. It took the whole month of October 2005, two hospitals and several medical experts to confirm that he had cancer.

Angie and I are both due on October (tentatively, mine is the 15th, hers is the 26th).

Coincidence? I think not.

And I thank Py and God for giving back October to us.

*~*

Indeed, this is the greatest testament to how the circle of life continues... because it continues for us.

2007-02-14T09:05:00.000+08:00

MORE THOUGHTS AND STORIES

January 1, 2003 was the first day I can say I ever loved someone I haven't seen. That was the day we found out that my SIL was pregnant. That time, I couldn't care less about how irresponsible she and my brother were for getting pregnant out of wedlock, thinking they were already adults and could be held accountable for their actions... so my sis and I just did our thing, giggled while jumping up and down by the door of our home as we pondered on this new addition to our family.

Fast forward to this year. January 1, 2007 was the first day I continued loving Py, despite knowing we'd never see him again. Although he died 27th of December, we could still see his earthly body during the wake. But because he was buried on the 31st of December, January 1 was the first day none of us could ever see him ever again (except for his cousin Jopy, I guess).

*~*

Cried over him two nights ago. I told my hubs that maybe it's because I didn't have Nemo beside me that night. I've taken to NEEDING Nemo again because i've missed several chances to visit Py at the cemetery.

*~*

I find it a lot sad that my sister celebrated her birthday by going to the cemetery... and will celebrate today, Valentines Day, by going there again. Then again, that is where her heart is...

*~*

My brother and SIL visited Py's tomb again yesterday.

A girl, living two streets away (inside the cemetery) asked permission to put the calachuchi flowers she picked (from the tall trees) on the flower holders of Py's tomb.

She said she was only passing by, then noticed that they share the same birthday... that's why she got flowers for him.

Isn't that... grace? :)

*~*

We've already drafted a letter to PCMC, formally requesting that we be allowed to visit the kids at their charity ward. It also seems that their Exec. Director encourages visits and parties for their patients... maybe because sick kids always need a morale booster.

I just hope they're not expecting much... because we're only a family wanting to reach out, not a foundation. But still, someone has just e-mailed me that she got too excited and bought stuff from Toy Kingdom already, to add to our goodie bags. :)

Again, isn't this grace?

*~*

One man saw the Wish Ko Lang episode featuring Py with Batista. He was greatly touched by the story... and resolved to do better with his kids. He made sure everyone was healthy, and stopped letting himself be consumed with work so he could spend time with his kids.

He was touched.

And one night, while out drinking with his buddies, he told them how his life was changed by that particular episode of a sick boy getting his wish fulfilled.

To his surprise, one of his friends was one of Pyro's godfathers... my SIL's oldest brother.

Which was why, at Py's funeral... he worked his charm to get us discounts for the services. He also helped us find Py's resting place.

I figure, he felt it's the least he could do for a boy who made him realize that he could make his life more meaningful.

Again, that's grace.

*~*

Which brings me to a rant.

A woman writing for Bulgar (the tabloid) saw the repeat of the Wish Ko Lang episode (I think twas a year-end best-episodes thing of WKL) and wrote about it. She gushed over how touched she was that Batista took time out to make a sick boy happy. She even managed to get Batista's complete name (John David? sorry, I don't have the newspaper with me).

What offends me isn't her overwhelming awe for the kindness of the wrestler (although being in the media, she should have known that stars seldom initiate such occasions, and I don't mean to take away from what Batista did, or what GMA 7 did, but it's my friends and loving strangers who brought that about)... but the fact that she said she watched the episode, and yet did not manage to get Pyro's name right. Well, she got the Joseph part right... but her short article said the sick child was named JOSEPH POPO...

Now, she's just really stupid. And am actually sad for her... because only the average-minded, superficial people (or kids, with their years of inexperience) would watch the episode and miss that the story is about giving hope to someone sick... not the wrestler...

2007-02-04T02:01:00.000+08:00

FORTY DAYS

Time flies, even when you're not having fun.

Today marked the 40th day of Pyro's passing. His family gathered again to pray over him, watch his video clips, talk about recent 'apparitions' and seek comfort from each other.

We still really miss him every day.

And though it's easier to sympathize and empathize with other people who have lost loved ones, it's also really hard. Because the pain usually comes unbidden all over again... and you become this mess of raw emotions again.

*~*

I've only recently realized how Py has blessed us another way.

By dying young, he couldn't subject us to family squabbles over properties. Sure, there were some debts that had to be paid off, but generally, his wake was not peopled by persons with hidden agenda.

He brought even strangers to our side.

He united us. He gave us cause to love.

Sure, all the natural negative backlash of emotions were there... but there was no gnashing of teeth by someone who felt he wasn't loved enough by him, or given much by him. There was no fighting over his will. There was no fighting over his body, or organs.

Py existed and made life more meaningful for us. That was the purpose he meant to serve. And may I just say, I don't think there's anyone alive who'd opine that he didn't do his job well.

*~*

"Here is the test to find whether your mission in life is finished:

If you're alive, it isn't."

~ Richard Bach

2007-01-29T10:36:00.000+08:00

FRESH TEARS

Last Thursday night found me dreading the weekend, thinking that Saturday is January 27, which will mark Py's first month of having passed away.

And I was beset with loneliness again.

And tears.

And then numbness.

Come Saturday, my husband's uncle also passed away. The date of his passing was not lost to my family, and my husband's family... and we all agreed we hated the number 27 now.

And as usual in deaths, stories of Tito Robert's last moments are repeated again and again... and I and my husband couldn't help comparing it to Pyro's.

And at the mass last night, seeing the coffin and the lights and the flowers and remembering how, a month ago, I was looking at a coffin and lights and flowers too, I broke down.

I was quieted by my husband with a joke that people might think am his uncle's mistress, because I was crying more than his wife and kids were.

But oh, the pain of remembrance. And the realization yet again that you're getting farther and farther away from a reality where a loved one existed.

*~*

Tito Robert gifted us with money just 2 weeks ago, part of which we intended to use for the PCMC thing in honor of Py. And now he's also gone.

*~*

Relating these to my brother, one cannot help but note the sadness in his eyes. And when I gave him chocolate versions of the milk pellets his son used to love eating (somethingw e could only get from Thailand), his eyes misted.

This coming Sunday is Pyro's 40th day.

2007-01-15T08:53:00.000+08:00

BREAKDOWN

First of all, i've been receiving mails about people crying when they read my entries. And my sister says she'd sometimes read this blog and just cry. So now am suddenly feeling guilty for making people cry... but this IS my outlet... my way of staying sane.

*~*

SIL showed me a picture she took of Pyro's resting place last Thursday night, I think. That plunged me into a depression that would culminate into a crying fest starting Friday night. My husband was surprised to find me sobbing in our bed but I just couldn't stop.

See, I knew I haven't really cried the CRY yet. That time at the hospital, Jun and Angie had the right to crying the CRY... and apart from feeling guilty because I asked God to free Py from all the suffering, and all those people slipping on my vomit, I was detached enough to wonder about the impact of the loss to my family... if it would propel my brother into a half-life of sorrow and inability to move on, if it would traumatize my sister, if it will drive my brother and SIL apart, how to tell our Mom, etc.

I think I cried part of the CRY last weekend... the sort of cry where the world stops and you can't think... and you can't really cry silently.

And I was so grateful that my husband wasn't out on a gimik with his buddies that night... because having him hold me meant so much.

*~*

On the way to the cemetery, I started crying again.

And at the cemetery, I cried hard again. Enough so that people living in the cemetery stopped to ask if I was the mother.

Turns out, Pyro retained some sort of fame, even in death. The children living at the cemetery refer to him by name, know of his meeting with Batista, are aware of the bubble machine entombed with him, and vow to watching his grave all the time. What's more, there is a picture of Py on his tombstone (the picture I used for the Thank You cards I made, the one taken on my last birthday, which was laminated then carved onto the marble and covered with glass)... and there can be no visit there where someone wouldn't stop by to comment on how handsome my nephew was.

I just really miss him.

I can't go grocery shopping because I wouldn't need to buy stuff for him anymore.

I don't like eating a lot of stuff because he used to like them too... (so yeah Py, you can be my reason to really go on a diet)

I miss all the hundred little things I used to do that took him into account...

I miss being able to love him, even from afar (because they weren't living with us anymore).

So I cried and cried and cried.

*~*

Later that Saturday, we found out that GMA replayed the Wish Ko lang episode featuring him and Batista. We were not informed, but friends who saw the replay texted us.

I believe they added an, "In Memory of Pyro" at the end.

So I cried all the more and started feeling sick... and we were caught in a traffic jam from Las Piñas to Manila because of the Pyro Olympics (something I might not be going to for the coming years, at least).

But the crying fest helped...

And the Wish Ko Lang replay helped... because that was a testament to how much Pyro was loved and blessed. And again, I found that I couldn't really be that sad about our loss, because it meant we gave of ourselves a lot. Something we can never ever regret. Something we'd do again in a heartbeat.

*~*

HBO and Star Movies also helped me stop crying. I watched TV and listened to songs till I fell asleep so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts... and wander again into that dark place where the pain over losing Pyro dwells.

*~*

At the cemetery, there was this kid, one of many who enjoyed the food we distributed during Py's burial (because of the tradition that you feed those who mourned for you, and the superstition that you cannot bring any food you served during the wake home) who talked to us...

He matter-of-factly told us about living in the cemetery... and where his family would be going next if they were evicted from the mausoleum of sorts they were inhabiting. He sympathized with us, telling us how sad it is that Py died when he was such a handsome boy. Then he told us about losing his brother, age 8, after that brother got run over by a car. They buried him somewhere in the cemetery.

Again, I felt guilty and blessed at the same time. For there we were, in a way, indulging our grief. How many kids who died will have so many people visiting his grave and crying over him?

While there are these people... who cannot have the luxury of grieving because living is a constant struggle as it is.

*~*

Hubby tells me that maybe God won't give us a child of our own till we can accept that the gift of a child is given according to His terms...

I think hubby is bothered because i've kept saying that I don't think I can handle losing a child. That has always been a huge fear, and much more so now that I am struggling with the closest i've come to that kind of pain.

I tell him that I doubt there's a parent who can say he/she can handle losing a child. But I have no doubt that parents have gotten over their loss. And I don't doubt that I will get over the loss... I doubt i'd ever love Pyro less, and it fills me with sadness knowing that someday, my (our)days will be occupied more with thoughts of those who ARE alive... but that knowledge fills me with faith too. I know that things will get better... the wounds will heal even if it will leave us all scarred.

Weird to feel some amount of sadness knowing there will be happier days.

*~*

I've also developed a greater respect for my husband's aunt... who had to bury five of her seven children... and her husband. It's a wonder she's still alive. And it's grace that she's continued to find a reason to live... to love.

*~*

Py's cousin Jopy has only recently realized that Pyro is gone. Her last conversation with Pyro had Pyro telling her that he cannot play or talk with her anymore... because it was being forbidden by his Papa Jesus.

Jopy would ask her mother why Pyro passed away... and she'd be reminded that Pyro was sick... to which Jopy would counter that she got sick (hospitalized for dengue around Nov) but didn't die.

2007-01-12T15:59:00.000+08:00

THE HEART WILL BREAK...

... yet brokenly live on.

Where did I read or hear that?

Anyway, it's always come to mind when i've gotten my heart broken. Thank goodness, it seldom stopped there.

For the heart invariably repairs itself, given time and love... it dares to hope again, and have faith again.

But how do you comfort broken hearts when yours is also broken? How do you help mend a broken spirit when yours is also unravelling?

People might say that one can take comfort that others are going through the same thing... or that others have lived through the same horrifying experience, the same betrayal, and still found happiness... found a reason to live.

But what if I need taking care... and right now, cannot really care for others? Imagine being, for the moment, passed out... and suspended in a space filled with grief and loss. How then can I reach out to those who are in far greater pain?

Then again, others have, in moments when no hope could be found, given hope to others.

*~*

I know we'll get through this. We have love in our life after all.

*~*

I originally posted this at my main blog... but feel this belongs here.

2007-01-10T11:32:00.000+08:00

HOW DOES ONE COPE?

Monday night, I got a call from my brother. He was asking if I can design some cards to be given away. I asked him, what kind of cards? He said, something like the 'Thank You' bookmarks we gave away at Pyro's wake...

Turns out, he and my SIL got to talking and decided that they want to go back to PCMC and visit the cancer charity ward there, and give away some things to the other sick kids. He further talked about how they thought of my message at Py's burial, how Py was a really blessed kid, and they want to share that blessing to these other kids.

I was touched. And sad and happy at the same time.

I asked them to talk it over and give me more specifications so I can design the cards for them. I also asked them to conduct the visit on a weekend so we could go with them... maybe take some pictures or what. I even began mentally calculating if I can find some money to hire a clown or something for the visit.

They, and we, cannot really give anything substantial (like a huge amount of money) to these other kids, since all the generous aid we received from Pyro's death went into paying off the debts they've incurred all those months before. But we surely have enough money for goodie bags, at least. I'm thinking maybe I can solicit from other people to have more goodies for those bags.

Just anything to cheer the kids up... and maybe inspire them to fight some more. Just anything to empower their parents with... and give them the spirit to care some more.

Pyro had a lot of those in his short life. And now, I think, we've begun on serious lessons on GRACE.

*~*

They'll be discussing this plan with Dr. Gepte first. And I think we'd have to forget the clown, since some kids in the charity ward might be too sick for a clown. We'll see...

*~*

Later on, I texted my brother that I am really excited about the idea... and how, this way, we can still continue loving Py, only we're sharing the love with other kids.

He replied with a thanks, and said that it was Py who taught him to love.

Sigh. I am so proud of how my brother has turned out.

*~*

I told my sister about this last night... and she's excited too. But of course, she cried too.

*~*

I also thanked my brother for Nemo... which he left for me last Monday.

So yes, Nemo's back in my life. For two nights now, i've been hugging it and smelling it and holding onto it for dear life... trying to smell Pyro's scent in it (bro told me it should have some of Py's drool on it somewhere).

God, I miss him.

sometime June 2004. We were supposed to have one each, but I gave mine away to another kid.

MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS AND STORIES

2007-01-03T15:54:00.000+08:00

MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS AND STORIES

the agony
Last Christmas, Pyro arrived with his parents at our doorstep with a huge oxygen tank. He was already having such a trouble breathing so his parents bought a tank, to make things easier for him.

He looked too fragile and sick... but he ate a lot of spaghetti and managed to accept his Christmas gifts with thanks and kisses.

He even attended Mass with us, something he insists on any time it could be done.

That whole time, I was greatly irritated with his cries. I never fully understood what 'mewling' might sound... but there it was, incessantly coming from him as he struggled to breathe and eat and sleep.

I was irritated. Not with him... but with the fact that I could never remember a time that he seemed beyond saving. And I couldn't remember a time where I was really utterly helpless.

I was irritated. And I wished the mewling cries to stop. And for one brief moment, I wondered if maybe I shouldn't ask God to just end his pain by taking his life back.

Then I felt guilty.

December 26, Py was confined for routine chemo. We were again faced with decisions to be made because we were really running out of funds. I again raised the possibility of Py being admitted at a charity ward the next time, just so we can cut down on expenses. The fundraising thing was not yet working out because we still couldn't figure out how to make paypal work for us.

Py managed to finish one of two chemo treatments that night, and was even chatty. But then, he couldn't pee despite (or because of?) the catheter and got really upset... which proved to be the last straw for his heart. He was admitted in the ICU around 3 in the morning. We got the call to come at past 4:30 AM. We got there at 5:30... and he was declared officially dead at 10:45 AM.

Looking back on all the times I cried all day, due to a broken heart or a missed gimik or whatever triggered the melodrama in me... I cannot help but feel shame. For here WAS real sorrow.

There were moments when I thought i've used up the tears of my lifetime... but more will flow. And as the hours drew on to a close for my beloved nephew, I kept debating with myself if it was really my place to pray for God to end his suffering and just really take him. I was not his parent after all. I was still the person looking through a glass window... only, the first time I did that for him, it was to meet Pyro as a newborn.

The pain and loss overwhelms me so much that I am actually half-amazed that the world hasn't stopped for my grief. Multiply that grief by a hundred, and you might get an idea of how my sister must feel. Multiply that a hundredfold more, and one might begin to imagine what Pyro's parents, my brother and SIL, are going through.

Weirdly enough, I was too choked with grief that I ended up vomiting on the ICU floor... missing my nephew's last breath, only hearing my wailing SIL and my screaming brother... crying like a child several feet away, wondering if my husband was comforting my sister.

My sister kept the shirt he died on... but I convinced her later on not to hold onto something that will forever remind him of Pyro's suffering... especially when, despite the cancer, there were more good times to be remembered. That shirt ended up being washed and buried with Py.

Py was changed into the pajama set (Sponge Bob) that my MIL gave him for Christmas. He got it in advance and has loved it ever since. Call me cruel for making my loving MIL cry all the more by sharing that piece of tidbit with her at the wake. But see, the important thing was, Py loved the gift.

His uncle bought him a suit to cover up his frailness, his thinness, as he lay in his coffin. And during the days of the wake, we danced the mourning dance, getting teary-eyed with every visitor, repeating stories and reminiscences, crying to friends and family, missing meals, missing sleep, seeking comfort and assurances, praying, blaming ourselves and each other, getting mad, getting sad, and finding the love and the God that made Pyro such a happy child.

Later on, his wake would become a testament to how greatly he was loved, and how greatly he lived his short life, through the pictures and videos and trinkets that colored the wake. It was made more interesting because my SIL"s family was Christian, while we were Catholic, so traditions and superstitions and rituals kept getting confused and combined. And his cousins continued to play and create noise amidst all the grieving adults and sympathetic visitors.

Py's head laid on a pillow my husband gave him, a pillow Jojo kept as a souvenir from Thai Airways, a pillow Py never goes anywehere without.

the love
As I said before, let it not be said that it didn't take much courage and even greater love for his parents to let him go. My brother admits to raging against the thought initially, especially since it was Pyro who set him straight and taught him about responsibility.

More importantly, Py was blessed with so much love that even strangers showed up to comfort us. I especially thank my DOF colleagues who I haven't seen in years, but who took a morning off to pay their respects. Special mention also to my husband's colleagues and old bandmates and friends of my brother, sister and SIL. A guy my SIL met in Korea who lost an in-law (who had her wake next door to us) even had his choir sing for Pyro too. And belated gifts like the bubble machine he wanted, and coloring books, and balloons adorned his casket.

But the love I really want to talk about is the love that comforts those of us he left behind, manifested in the fact that we knew we did everything we could... for him. Of course, there's always something we could have probably done more or differently, but we know that everything we did, we did out of nothing but love for him.

Heck, we even fought over how best to love the child! How many kids, nay, even people, can claim the same privilege?

That's why, when it was time to say some last words, I faced everyone and reminded them how blessed a child Pyro was. How, when he was a child, there'd always be at least two people hovering over his crib. And how, during his last hours, there were ten of us at the hospital to see him through. And I appealed to them to be inspired and love some more... those people who are still in their lives. Our time, our presence, our forgiveness, our strength, our love... those things are what make people happy. And having given all those things, we at least cannot regret not having loved Py.

Indeed, the thing that grieves us most is not being given more time to love him.

the manifestations
I do not believe easily in the supernatural but neither do I deny nor dismiss them.

Pyro's main playmates were cousins Jopy and Lat. Jopy is turning 4 years old this January 8.

The afternoon Py died, their Mom heard them conversing as if there was a third person/child with them. Lat actually said the words, "Pyro, diba pango si Jopy?"

The next day, Jopy will tell her Mom about how Py complained that he was not able to watch the Wish Ko Lang segment we were showing the mourners because the screen was turned to (away from?) his coffin, and that Py wanted her to open the casket (she did try prying it open), and how they just talked and ate cotton candy, and that Py asked her to tell his parents to eat a lot... of cotton candy. Jopy/Py also used the word PAROL to refer to the coffin. Py supposedly also said that he hugs the pillow his Ninong Jojo gave him (so it should rest on his chest), and wanted his SpongeBob pillow for his head instead.

Then the next day, Jopy seemed possessed, sometimes telling things that Pyro did and said, sometimes sounding as if she was Pyro. My sister couldn't look at her when she heard her sound like Py...

One of the freakier things about it was Jopy laughing Py's laugh and saying, "Haha, si Tita Mec, pinutukan ng lobo sa mukha". Exactly the way Py would have said it. And Jopy doesn't really know me, by the way, what more by name. And this has reference to when I was tying up all the balloons Py's cousins were playing with, concerned that they'd pop in someone's face and hurt them, when one balloon just popped in my hand.

The morning of the burial, Jopy asked her Mom why Py resembled a bird. Her Mom was confused why the association with a bird, to which Jopy asked again, why was it that Pyro had wings?

She saw the winged Py during the Mass, when we were all 'dousing' (?) his coffin with Holy Water.

Jopy is only 4 years old. I suspect that part of her stories are her way of coping with the loss of a playmate. But I believe that she couldn't possibly make it all up. She just doesn't have enough life experience to string thoughts together and create these storiers... especially since she gets exasperated when asked about them, complaining of having to repeat what we should have also supposedly heard and seen in the first place.

And such stories comfort us... even dreams of people where Pyro was featured happy and playing with other kids. Pyro has had so much suffering in his last year, he has no other way to be but happier where he is.

Another friend, a psychic, was visited by Pyro. He saw Pyro with wings and in white. Pyro thanked her, and told her he's saying hello to her, and would be his angel as well. Pyro also told him that he kissed his grandmother goodbye because she couldn't come home. But am not telling my Mom that just yet, because she's still really a crying mess right now. It's really hard that she's mourning by herself in the US.

To friends I owed so much kindness from, i've always said before that Pyro will thank them when he's finally able. Of course, I envisioned a grown-up Pyro, studying to become a doctor (or a priest), able to read this blog and the comments left here. But what if, in his passing, and because of his suffering, he was really transformed into an angel? And isn't it at all possible that the child who gave a lot of people so much joy when he was alive could continue putting a smile on our faces and in our hearts?

addendum:
My cousin, who helped take care of Py and who forced Py's pedia to perform the x-ray that would let us know of the tumor, talked to us about a growing suspicion. She said that when she's alone at home, she feels Py's presence too. Only, she's scared by it. Being a Christian, she fears that the devil might be using our love for Py and playing with our feelings. She also told us that it doesn't feel right that Py is not crossing over.

My sis, on the other hand, feels bad and sad all the time... and doesn't want for Py to manifest to her. She wants him to move on and be happy.

I told them that so long as Jopy isn't getting scared of Py, we can at least rest easy that the Pyro she sees and converses with is the angel Py. But of course, i'd like for Py to leave Jopy alone too... lest the little girl starts thinking that people only like her because of Py.

So, Yapeeyee, be our angel if you must. Be the bringer of good tidings when there are, and of comfort when it's needed. But move on and don't worry about us.

the religion
It was honestly the first time I saw my brother reading a Bible... what more, he was reading it to my SIL... or during the early morning hours where we're the only ones left to watch over Py. It would have been funny if the reason wasn't so tragic.

But it was there. In losing Pyro, he has discovered God. And not only him. All of us were reminded that there is a God. My brother and SIL, though grief-stricken, surrendered their child and accepted that Pyro's life was God's.

And I sort of felt pity for those who didn't believe in a God... wondering where they would turn when they find themselves on their knees in sorrow, and desperation, and lack of answers.

Like what I said, I was traumatized by Pyro's last moments. Maybe because I expected a child to be given the sweet mercy of passing away peacefully... quietly... gracefully. But Py's last moments were a struggle from one breath to another. And I felt cheated and offended and violated for him.

I asked friends to pray for me... because I was raging inside against the manner in which he died. And I was scared because whenever I looked at him in his coffin, I couldn't see the handsome, peaceful child people were speaking of. All I could see was pain in his face. And I didn't want that. I wanted to recapture all the wonderful moments that came before his dying.

And God is merciful. He sent a pastor with a gift of eloquence that soothed my shaken faith, my broken spirit.

I don't know the name of that pastor, and he's pretty young at age 31. But he spoke gently of various scenarios wherein prayers are answered in different ways. He reminded us that there is a greater plan, and that Pyro has served his purpose as part of that plan. And then he said something about how it doesn't matter to God how one dies... whether it be from a crime or an illness... regardless of what age or status in life. What matters is that we'd be joining him... and because Pyro was too young to have really sinned... and because Pyro was too young and yet had a sense of the divine ever since... it shouldn't matter that Py suffered for 1/3 of his life because he is joining Him.

The pastor also reminded us about four things about life:
Life is a gift, which we should enjoy and cherish. Life is a chance, which we should make the most of. Life has an end and the end will seldom come the way, or at a time, we like. And each one's life will be judged, and there will be rewards for those who walked the right path, both here on earth (loving reminiscences) and in heaven.

*~*

The telling, though it doesn't diminish the sorrow, at least validates a life well lived, and a child well loved.

2006-12-28T02:42:00.000+08:00

GONE TOO SOON

His spirit was willing, but his flesh was already weakened so much, his spirit has to give way.

He fought to the very end, hearkening to his father's pleas to hold on and fight... till his father realized that he was suffering more by holding on.

And let it not be said that parents who can tell their dying child to let go are not brave.

Because it takes courage to hold your child's hand and tell him to find peace... and not at your side.

Pyro joined his Maker at 10:45 AM. His tumor grew so big it pushed his heart too far to the left, compromising his lungs, and leading his heart to give up.

My family, friends and I would like to thank everyone who accompanied us on this journey. Thank you for your kindness, your grace, your love.

Joseph Pyro Pinon
July 21, 2003 - December 27, 2006
Wake: Dulce Funeral Homes (Abad Santos cor Dinalupihan, Manila... Sta. CRuz/Divi area, across a huge Hyubdai showroom)
Interment: December 31, 2006 at Manila North Greenpark Cemetery

Pyro insisting on kissing the Nino last Christmas Midnight Mass

2006-12-08T09:08:00.000+08:00

SOME MORE PRAYERS

God... I know you haven't forgotten us, nor forsaken Py. But I really PRAY that You will give him enough strength and will to fight. The doctors suspect he's gotten pneumonia, and his body has deteriorated so that his chemo had to be stopped. He's been in the hospital for a week now and is really, really depressed.

Please make him well enough to beat his cough, and that he doesn't really have pneumonia.

Please make the tumor stop from growing too fast too soon, so Pyro can breathe well and have a restful sleep.

Please give him appetite so he can take in nourishment to make him strong.

And please, please... let this be just another hurdle we have to cross... and not a sign of the end of all hope... and all life... for him.

*~*

Jack Simbulan is another child suffering from a rare type of cancer, and requiring a really, really expensive procedure. In behalf of his family, I appeal to those who can help... to help his parents give him a chance.

*~*

When one door closes... a window opens. I keep repeating that to myself when I feel hopeless.

And I hope that many more will know that there are those who are paving the way for help to be given. The Asian Health Outreach Foundation is one of the many ways that God is working in mysterious ways... if you have friends and family abroad who are struggling from lack of medical insurance, direct them to this foundation.

The MAX Foundation is also another foundation reaching out to those with blood-related cancer.

Together, let's help save lives.

2006-11-28T08:36:00.000+08:00

STARTING OVER

the misdiagnosis
Imagine this...

enduring cycle upon cycle of treatments for a child, for an illness that threatens his life...

enduring complications brought about by the illness, or the treatments...

finding the means to get those treatments for him...

then suffering with him as he deals with his trauma from hospitals and doctors, seeing him in pain and upset and angry and... limited.

Or imagine this instead...

a child who cannot go to zoos and play in the rain.

a child tethered to a hospital bed at least once a month.

a child marked and scarred by two surgeries and many needle marks.

a child who's bald... and not because he just wants to.

a child whose body continues to struggle and fight... as it sinks and shrinks and dries up and hollows, from all the treatments.

And then... and then... be going through it for a year now, only to be told, there's been a misdiagnosis.

Wouldn't you be upset? Angry? Bitter? Resentful? Litigious?

Wouldn't you lose hope as you also lose confidence in the health system that's supposed to take care of you?

Wouldn't you lie awake at night, feeling guilty, and tossing all the events in your head, wondering where you've gone wrong, thinking about what you should have done instead?

And just being consumed with negativity... unconsciously needing some sort of retribution... and a great need for justice to be served.

Because someone, somehow, should take responsibility for what you, your loved ones have gone through.

All these... and am not even the child's parent.

So imagine the thousand deaths a parent must feel to be in this situation.

Imagine the fear of being too late... and where to get the money for the CORRECT treatments... and the silent wondering if it's really the RIGHT diagnosis this time... and if your child can still handle so much more.

*~*

There's really been a misdiagnosis after all. We've been treating Pyro for germ-cell carcinoma, an already rare type of cancer, only to have doctors abroad find that what he actually has is Ewing's Sarcoma... a rarer type of cancer.

(I must admit that sometimes, there's still ringing in my ears when I absorb this fact yet again... out of the sheer sadness of the situation)

*~*

See, the problem with St. Luke's (still one of the best hospitals to go to) and the medical culture here is that... when they test tissue samples, they stop testing once they get a positive hit, thus, usually not ruling out everything first.

That's how misdiagnoses are made.

Labs here often test tissue samples suspected of being cancerous with already some four (4) stains.

The doctors who freely offered their assistance abroad tested Pyro's tissue samples with 50 stains. Because you see, Ewing's sarcoma is something you conclude after rulling out everything else.

Are we angry with St. Luke's that processed Pyro's tissues? Hell, yeah!

But they are not the only ones to blame... because there's just far too many wrongs in our medical system here... and the stains tissues are tested by actually cost around P5k each.

That is no small amount.

You'd also have to acknowledge the fact that Filipino doctors are far overworked and underpaid... and some of the best ones preferring to work abroad for better pay, or better working conditions.

After all, it's hard to be a good doctor for a government hospital if the government itself is not providing facilities and medicine.

It's hard to be efficient and competent if you have to rely on trainings offered by pharmaceutical companies... because the government's budget for health services is a joke.

It's also hard to keep doctors on their toes when there's no malpractice law in the country...

*~*

And friends far and wide attest to the fact that even doctors abroad mess up. And of course, am referring to first-world countries.

*~*

But conceding all those points do not excuse them.

*~*

the fateful encounter
Dr. Barias of Doktor Ko arrived last Saturday night. He met with us Sunday morning, opting to visit Pyro at his home, bringing with him chocolates and a shirt for the child.

Pyro cried in his arms. Then again, he just woke up, was feeling under the weather, and the adults committed a grave mistake by introducing Dr. Barias as DOC Manny. Eh the doctor was wearing a white polo so it was natural for Py to overreact and get upset.

Later on though, Py was gracious enough to tell his Mom and Ninang that he wants to say THANK YOU for the pasalubongs. I believe he did, but still refused to be carried by the doctor.

Anyway...

Dr. Barias gave us an overview of what they did in the US and what we should expect. He inquired further on Pyro's history and answered our questiones... and listened to our concerns.

Later that night, my family and Dr. Barias met with Dr. Gepte (Py's oncologist), who will be working with the only two (2) doctors who have experience with the disease in the country and coordinating with an expert from the US. It's great that they're all UP grads and at least have common friends. The internet will also facilitate everything.

Pyro will be administered a totally different chemo cocktail. But they first have to work on what they refer to as LOCAL CONTROL, which would mean another surgery for Pyro, or another radiotherapy session... or both. Especially since the tumor is now pressing on his heart and making him very uncomfortable.

We start anew. We fight anew. Pyro fights anew.

And us in the sidelines, all we can do is help his family come up with the money necessary for all his treatments. We need at least around P1M...

And more prayers than before... because Pyro has been greatly weakened already by his previous treatments, and we need for him to have a strong body and a stronger spirit to continue fighting.

*~*

children are blessings...
...thus, they are also blessed.

And we cannot be grateful enough for the blessings pouring in for my nephew.

First, there were the kind words and prayers, both from friends and strangers alike.

Then, the pooled financial gift from friends, who knew that Pyro needs such more.

Then, the blog and e-mail brigade that brought the wrestler Batista to cheer my beloved nephew up...

And then, Ate Sienna's good find: Dr. Barias and colleagues abroad who offered their help for free, to give Pyro a chance.

And now, friends and strangers alike are rallying around us again, praying harder than before... and offering to help raise the funds required for the treatments. Dr. Barias has offered the services of his foundation for people from the US who may want to donate money, so that their donations won't be taxed. And there are already whispers of other possible ways to come up with the money.

All because Pyro is a child and he has to be given a chance.

All because when a door closes, a window opens. And people's kindness is infinite.

And my family cannot really thank these people enough.

*~*

Py Baby...

hold on for a little while longer... and fight harder. Fight for the childhood that is now. Fight for the future that is yours. Fight because we love you. Fight because you are loved.

*~*

Alon Sugarman survived this disease.

2006-11-16T23:47:00.000+08:00

A WHOLE NEW BALLGAME

My SIL broke down at the FedEx shop last Tuesday, because they were refusing to accept the paraffin blocks containing tissue samples of Pyro's mass, saying that they needed a certification from PCMC that the blocks weren't dangerous. All my SIL had was a certification from Pyrp's doctor... because that was what she was told to get the previous day.

But due to Dr. Gepte and me calling the main office, the blocks were accepted and shipped. Dr. Barias has informed me today that he has received them already... and has this list of pediatric oncologists who were going to study the samples.

Meanwhile, Pyro had to be hospitalized for more platelet transfusion... and the ultrasound performed on him showed that the new growth is pressing on his heart... which is my beloved nephew is having trouble breathing nowadays.

His fever also refuses to go away.

And he has trouble sleeping.

And so we pray anew... that we can do something for him before his heart gets 'infected'... before it's too late for us all to really do anything.

Please pray for us. This is the second Christmas that we have to celebrate with Pyro's life hanging in the balance.

2006-11-10T20:53:00.000+08:00

UPDATES AND UPSETS

Pyro had to return to the hospital because his platelets took a nose dive. But at least he only had to stay for 3 days there.

Then, there was WISH KO LANG... friends were gracious enough to say that Pyro looked very handsome (even if, in my opinion, he looked like a duck) even if he didn't smile in the interview.

(there were also comments that my brother was also handsome :) )

Then my father arrived from the US... bringing with him saved money to pay more of the debts my brother has incurred due to Pyro's monthly treatments.

Then Pyro's idol Super Inggo was featured making children with cancer happy. My sister and I shed some tears... because Pyro really resembled Super Inggo... and because kids with cancer resemble each other.

(but if you noticed, those kids' eyes shone with life... children are really very strong and innately hopeful, no?)

Then there's that thing that we've been working on.

See... my friend Ate Sienna loved me enough to love Pyro enough... enough to go out of her way to really find someone who can help us.

She found Dr. Barias from Doktor Ko, who is such a gentle and loving Fil-Am, who is really going out of his way to help us.

He has consulted with Pyro's oncologist... and they've agreed that there might have been a MISDIAGNOSIS of Pyro's illness, which would explain why he's not responding to the treatments as he should. It's either the good people of St. Luke's and PCMC really bungled his case... or they have not performed enough tests... or aren't as apprised with new trends or other information... leading to a non-conclusive diagnosis.

So Dr. Barias told us, LET'S START FROM SCRATCH. If it was a misdiagnosis, then finally we can correct it. If it's not, at least we know we're just dealing with the most stubborn cancer ever to come about.

In the event it was a misdiagnosis... or they have other/new findings, the doctors from US would then decide if the disease can be treated here. If not, then we're going to start a sort of fund drive for Pyro to be treated abroad.

A hospital and doctor has already committed to free services for Py. And as luck would have it, Dr. Barias and his foundation/organization is based in Michigan... where my Mom and relatives are. So accommodations for my brother, sisnter-in-law and Pyro will no longer be a problem (unless the hospital is too far from their Detroit homes). I'm sure my Mom and aunts/uncles can also pitch in for the daily allowance they'd require. But lab tests and medicines... that will still cost our middle-income family.

Like what Ate Sienna told Dr. Barias early on, our family could afford Pyro's treatments here... but treatments abroad are beyond us.

And it's really amazing that people have been very supportive... we're all just waiting for the diagnosis, so we'd know the next steps to take.

Which brings me to what's upsetting me.

St. Luke's has misplaced Pyro's old CT scan films. They're still trying to find it. And Pyro's tissue samples which should have been sent to the US first week of November are still waiting to be shipped. There's also this minor miscommunication going on between the oncologist and my family... because she's been insisting that Pyro's old records must be shipped with the tissue sample (and we're of the opinion that they're not necessary if we're starting from scratch... or at least, they can follow, since it's taking her or PCMC to gather/prepare everything a while). It also seems there's some documentation that she hasn't finished yet, and hasn't explained the significance of to my brother/SIL, which she's now asking them to accomplish...

Anyway, the thing is... Pyro has been suffering from on and off fever. He cannot undergo further chemotherapies. His parents are worried. And without considerable explanations and transparency from Pyro's doctors here, my family is bound to just get all the more worried.

After all, though Pyro hasn't died in the past year... we can't exactly say we have total confidence in his doctors (mostly because, there's just really a lot of room for improvement in information dissemination, treatment process, etc in our health system).

We're worried. We need more guidance. We need authorities on the matter.

Please keep your fingers crossed that it isn't too late for Pyro.... that the wheels have turned indeed for him getting cured.

And of course, the family is thankful to Dr. Barias and Gigi... and our other friends... those people who have been constantly loving of Pyro... despite their own problems.

2006-10-25T13:24:00.000+08:00

ANGELS WORKING OVERTIME

I don't want to divulge more, since everything is still uncertain. But we're feeling lucky and blessed and can feel in our bones that we could send Py to the US for treatments he couldn't get here.

Angels are working overtime, you see.

And more and more people are coming forward, ready to help.

Maybe it's because Pyro is still a child... and the good adults who get to hear of his case cannot deny us their help, cannot deny him of a possible childhood... of a future free of hospitals and treatments.

God is good.

The people helping us... all Him in disguise.

2006-10-20T19:07:00.000+08:00

ASK, AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

Pyro asked to meet Batista.

Jojo asked, through the form of an e-mail, that people forward the e-mail to people who might be able to make my nephew's, his godson's, wish come true.

The Berks helped us to get the idea out through a blog brigade... asking their readers and fellow bloggers to take up the cause.

Those who didn't have connections asked networks and newspapers directly through e-mail.

Before I knew it, it was just bigger than what we've ever hoped for.

I've always referred to it as a long-shot deal... but still, it didn't hurt to try.

And we were overwhelmed with good wishes indeed... and people willing to help.

And because people asked on his behalf... Pyro's wish was granted.

GMA 7's "WISH KO LANG" was able to secure a permit from PCMC to bring in cameras and stuff for their interview on Py. They also interviewed his doctors. And then, they kidnapped Py.

They were supposedly escorting Py home... but took a detour at Gateway Mall where Batista was having a press con. They were there for less than 10 minutes really... and Py was treated like a celebrity. Of course, it's also PR for Batista but what the hey... Py is gracing newspapers with the wrestler tomorrow.

My SIL texted me to thank me, and asked to thank everyone... because though Pyro is still weak from his chemo treatments... they saw how he was made happy by the meeting. It even surprised them that he allowed Batista to carry him, since he's always been choosy that way.

Before falling asleep tonight, his last words to my brother were: "Papa, kinarga ako ni Batista (Papa, Batista carried me)" :)

We saw part of the footage at 24 Oras, which we think will be replayed later tonight in Saksi.

But the real interview with Py and most of the footage of his meeting with Batista will be aired at WISH KO LANG on November 04.

*~*

I cannot thank my husband enough for starting this. I cannot thank the Berks (who were made kulit a lot by Cath) enough for the support.

I cannot thank enough all the others who forwarded the e-mail. And who blogged about it.

I cannot thank all the prayers being said for Pyro... the continued support and sympathy, the continued friendship and love... from friends and strangers alike.

I'd also like to say special thanks to the following:

Sherbien of Nagmamahal Kapamilya (ABS-CBN), for trying.

Kritzia of Make-A-Wish Foundation, for trying... and being happy for us.

A Mr. Jeff (Zenith Opti Media) who also tried to help...

Mr. Mike Garcia (and staff Kim) from Solar Interactive... who coordinated with Araneta Center and WWE.

Ms. Grace Magno (and staff Valerie) from Araneta Center... who coordinated with WWE and Wish Ko Lang.

Ms. Joy from GMA... who was one of the first to respond to the blog brigade, and who was fascinated that a group of people have are rallying on the internet for a sick child (and who bouhgt Py McDo food kanina).

GMA camera people (I believe there is a Robert among them) who shot the initial interview.

Mr. Chino Trinidad, who promised to find out what other aid can be provided to Py and consult doctor friends abroad.

Mr. Batista... for being kind to my nephew. (Friend lampel said, bless his heart for making PY happy)

The WWE people who allowed the Meet-and-Greet.

But really, we couldn't have done it without my caring friends.

And Pyro is so blessed to have experienced such love at sucha young age.

Batista said something like... "I don't think he feels too good but I don't think he feels sorry for himself... because he's probably stronger than any of us... kids are very strong, they're very positive and hopeful and very optimistic... i hope I entertained him a little bit... made him feel strong and good..."

Joy from GMA said... "I hope this made Pyro happy and he's so lucky to be loved by so many people"

Us... we're just happy he's happy.

And we're just teary because people have really been so kind.

*~*

I hope i'm not violating any terms or something here:

He doesn't look it (err, because he just got discharged from hospital?) but Py was realy energized by the experience. He was actually even chatty daw. Watch Wish Ko Lang for longer footages :)

And again, thank God... thank LIfe... for the kindness that made this possible. Thank you all.

2006-10-19T09:25:00.000+08:00

PICTURE, PICTURE

Blogger Cath made this wonderful photo slide for Py. :)

target="_BLANK" href="http://www.rockyou.com?type=slideshow&refid=41598040">title="RockYou slideshow" src="http://apps.rockyou.com/images/logo-mini.gif" border="0"/>
Create Your Own!

*~*

And of course, Tita Mec also made something for the best men in her life...

Now... Py will be discharged today. Pray he'd be strong enough for a trip to Gateway Mall tomorrow... to meet Batista.

Otherwise, who knows what else we can do.

Arrghh... nawala updates ko!

Anyway... as it turned out, Py is too weak and nauseous to be discharged today. So he's missing the Meet-and-Greet tommorow. Ms. Valerie from Wish Ko Lang called me to ask that I coordinate with her still and they're going to get Pyro and his father tickets for the Sunday fight and backstage pass after the show so he can still have his wish!

Cross your fingers?

But more importantly... pray for Py to recover fast from this latest chemo treatment (so he wouldn't feel bad and depressed)... pray Py gets well... and pray for the people who have been contacting me everyday this week (Mike garcia and Kim from Solar Interactive, Ms. Grace from Araneta and Ms. Valerie from Wish Ko lang). We couldn't possibly thank them enough...

2006-10-15T21:02:00.000+08:00

SOME SAD NEWS

The CT scan brought sad news. There is a new growth yet again.

The first mass grew to cover his right lung.

The second grew downwards, endangering other internal organs.

This third one seems to be growing outwards from his chest bone, to both of his lungs.

His oncologist is already at a loss... Py is already getting the highest chemo dosage for his cancer, for his age.

His surgeon is stumped as well... and has admitted that there is nothing more in his years of experience and training that he can call upon. He just cannot go in deeper than what he's already done twice before. He promised the parents he'd consult other experts... and advised us to research on new approaches and breakthroughs. He's heard that some doctors abroad administer drugs directly on the root of the cancer using needles, but isn't sure if that is being offered here. He also encouraged us to try and look for medical sponsorships for free treatments... abroad.

Hearing all these, I couldn't help but wonder if my SIL has already gone numb from the pain of being disappointed again and again.

I didn't dare allow the tears that were threatening to consume me then... how could I when my SIL and Pyro weren't crying?

Hubby and I were depressed by the news, of course. But we're also doing everything we can researching other possibilities for my nephew.

But yesterday's visit wasn't entirely sad. Py, depressed again from his confinement, cheered up when Ninong Jojo handed him new toys... a Batman Dark Knight and Yugioh action figures. He played with them as he also played with his wrestler action figures (right now, he's a fan of Finley, the one with the leprechaun). He sometimes would converse with us, telling us he ate the EYE candies (gelatin-y eyes that are supposed to taste good, made for Halloween) and asking to be brought to Star City.

I think he's also gotten wind of what we're hoping to give him... because he mentions Batista visiting him.

Other updates include people from GMA, ABS-CBN and Solar Interactive getting wind of the blog and e-mail brigade for his wish. Both TV networks have conducted interviews with him. It's still not clear who has the power and clout enough to get a busy and famous entertainer such as Batista (or any of the other wrestlers) to have time for a child he doesn't know... and being confined right now means he'd be missing the Meet and Greets in malls (if any) this week.

We are amazed and grateful... and also a little anxious... of all the interest Pyro is generating. All we want is to cheer him up since we cannot yet make him well.

My husband's Mom reminded us that God may have a greater plan for Py... which is why He's not making him well... yet... or He's not really going to allow Py to get well. Friends remind us anew to hold fast to the belief that Py will still get well, to remain hopeful and strong for him.

*~*

Py has the potential to be a great singer. Listen to him sing...

2006-10-13T17:22:00.000+08:00

PRAYING FOR MORE MIRACLES

Py is back in PCMC for another chemo treatment. We're also still awaiting the results of his latest CT scan. The dream is that the radiotherapy has reduced his cancer to just this rotten mass which would eventually disappear, and he'd only require 2 more chemo treatments. That's the dream. That's the hope. That's the miracle we're claiming for him.

The Smackdown event is already next weekend... we still have no clear anyone who can promise to help deliver his wish. But people have been really so kind... to go out of their way to ask around in our behalf.

Anyway, Christmas is just around the corner... and since some of the Berks are doing so, I thought other people might want to send Py a Greeting Card too, so am posting this:

JOSEPH PYRO
c/o Camitan Residence
1549 A. Isip St.
Paco, Manila 1007
Philippines

* note: he loves Sponge Bob and Tweety characters... pictures of fountains and animals... but he's not very particular :) he'd be delighted enough opening them cards and looking at the pictures/cartoons

2006-10-03T00:38:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR HEARTACHE

I arranged for my family and Jojo's family to gather together for lunch yesterday, as an advance celebration of my birthday... since i'm going to Davao later today and leaving them all... for work.

My MIL brought cake and they lit a candle for it... Py's eyes lit up upon seeing the candle. If anyone reading this has been reading it since the beginning, then they'd know how Py loves blowing out candles on cakes.

He had this shy KILIG expression as everybody sang "Happy Birthday", and my husband actually positioned the cake in front of him... and everyone singing were singing to him... and it took all the willpower I had not to cry (esply with my brother beside me, and being scared to upset Py)... but I really felt sooooo sad that moment because really, it is the first anniversary of Py's illness.

ONE YEAR.

A year ago today, his pediatrician proved very ineffective and incompetent.

A year ago today, my then fiancee and I had to rush to Metropolitan Hospital after having dinner with his family...

A year ago today, I cried with my brother and sister for the first time... hot tears of uncertainty filled with our worst fears fell from our eyes... the first of many desperate, lonely nights...

A year ago today, Pyro tasted his first confinement... the first of almost monthly treatments he'd have to face.

A year ago today, we started learning about how random and impersonal things can be.

A year ago today, cancer came into our lives.

We'd still give everything we can just to have Pyro declared cancer-free. Our hearts still go out to him, worry for him, beat strongly for him...

And our hearts have never stopped dreaming... of years of a normal childhood for him... of trips and games and school and a future family life...

And if there's anything that has truly been constant... it is Pyro's spirit. He is just truly a cheerful, wonderful, intelligent, loving, lovable child.

And he inspires us.

Everything we do for him cannot compare to the richness he brings into our lives.

Aned yes, for him, we cannot help but believe in a God.

*~*

Like what i've posted before... chemo has led him to lose his hair again. He casually told his Yaya that IT SEEMS GOD DOESN'T WANT HIM TO HAVE HAIR.

*~*

Happy birthday, dear heartache... happy because the heartache hasn't killed anything really important in our lives yet... not Pyro, not our faith, nor the hope that burns eternal in our hearts...

But please, no more... let Pyro be healthy again...

*~*

He was so LAMBING yesterday... and we know he had so much fun! Check the other pics out here

And for all those of you who have taken this journey with us... those we cried to, those who lent money, those who gave money and toys and inspiring books, those who are rallying to make Pyro's wish come true (meeting Batista)... Py's Ate Bebe helped him make this card to thank you all...

Because our family is truly grateful... and you've made Pyro all the more blessed

2006-09-20T14:32:00.000+08:00

OVERWHELMED BY STRANGERS' KINDNESS

Updates first.

Pyro has been discharged already from the hospital last Monday at past 5 PM. He still has to take several medications for his magnesium-potassium levels but at least he was declared well enough to be discharged.

His hair has started falling off, so instead of letting the falling ones irritate him, his parents had his head shaved yet again.

My sister visited him yesterday and told me our nephew was sporting a bald head again. I clutched at my heart (ok, chest) and asked if he was depressed. And he wasn't.

Because Kuya Lot (a cousin that's 2 yrs older) also got his head shaved.

Awww.

(reminds me of those Chicken Soup for the Soul stories i've cried over before... and I thank God that Pyro's blessed with loving cousins, even if he bosses them around sometimes)

Pyro's chemo (1 week) cost his parents (and my parents) some P30k. But his 2-week confinement for being stricken with E. Coli (and stripped of important nutrients) immediately after his chemo cost them P80k. And I really can't help but be staggered by the lack of guarantees still for such an expense.

*~*

My SIL knows I blog about Pyro. But she hasn't really seen this site yet. And my brother is no internet person. So they don't know the movement being taken on by friends and family alike for Py.

There have been whispers encouraging hopefulness... because friends and friends of friends were kind enough to forward the e-mails and blog posts to others who might know someone. So the movement has reached many people, from many companies. Thus, the whispers. It's always a "no promises" thing but I am overwhelmed by the kind response of strangers.

Many have called friends and my husband to ask if this is all a hoax... because not everyone who gets the e-mail blogs... and because aren't we all annoyed by those forwarded "Please pass and help this cancer-ridden child" e-mails already?

And weirdly enough, we'd give everything for Pyro's illness to be fake... and gone... and ended. But it's still here. His last X-ray still showed a lump on his chest bone, which his oncologist is praying to be just rotten mass (my brother has forgotten to ask if, it turns out to be just rotten mass, will it require surgery again?). The waiting game begins anew for us... for check-ups and chemo and results of lab tests.

But you know the really great miracle?

In the US, people have died from E. Coli. And yet here is Py, fresh from chemotherapy, only 3 years old, and he has survived again.

Sigh.

*~*

Special thanks to all those who have been forwarding the e-mails, which I can't really track anymore. And all those people who have taken up the BLOG BRIGADE for Py... these were the only ones I could google... but really, thank you.

I should call them... PYRO'S ANGELS i think :)

Batjay, Jet, Yuga, Brownpau, Bugsy, Tito Rolly, Resty O, Ricky, Cat, Jaypee Online, Angelica Villoria, Toni, Linnor, Leah, Vespinoy, and Retzwerx, Mike Abundo.

2006-09-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

MAKING THINGS BETTER

My blogfriends and other bloggers have rallied yet again for my nephew. Batjay, Jet, Yuga, Brownpau, Busgy, TiT Rolly, Resty O, and Rickey.

My husband started the e-mail movement for this cause and blogberk Cat thought to augment it by starting a blog movement as well.

And my family and I are humbled with more gratitude to these people who have their own lives to lead, and problems to worry over... but who thought to spare a moment and some space for my nephew.

Tomorrow will mark his 3rd week in the hospital. Reminds all of us of October last year, when doctors were taking their time making the diagnosis.

He missed a family reunion today... because he's still stuck at PCMC.

But you know what's priceless? Py getting his appetite back and eating voraciously... and even complaining very early in the morning why his munchkins didn't have fillings :)

*~*

I can never really repay the kindness being bestowed on my nephew, my family and me. But I know Life will take care of what kindness we cannot repay. And I hope the lesson of graciousness here would stay with us forever, something we'd also pay forward.

2006-09-12T21:32:00.000+08:00

STRICKEN ONCE MORE,BUT HE'S STILL STANDING

Pyro was stricken with the E. Coli bacteria, thus the low levels of white blood cells. E. Coli causes hemorrhaging, and therefore, blood loss.

But I was informed that Py's bowel movement is showing signs that he's on his way to recovery already... that he's beaten this one... that he's still responding to medication.

He's still fighting.

And we're just so, so proud of him.

*~*

I think because I was crying all the time for the past few days, my husband thought to start an e-mail movement to get in touch with whoever CAN make Pyro's wish happen: to be visited, or to meet Batista.

Personally, I don't really think Pyro would mind if it was Undertaker or John Cena who he meets (and actually, he might be too tongue-tied or scared if he does meet one of his wrestler idols) so long as he meets one of them. It's a cute wish really, made by a 3-year old... and it's not like he spends all his waking moments asking for his wish to be granted (because right now, all he does is eat boiled eggs and rest).

It's a long shot. So far, we've gotten e-mails telling us that they have forwarded the e-mail to someone who CAN help (sports writer for Inquirer, and someone who works for GMA's Wish Ko Lang).

Ask and you shall receive... :) And we really hope Py will be rewarded somehow by something... to inspire him to fight some more.

*~*

Friends can be found in the most unexpected of places, in the most unexpected of ways. My Blogberks have all sacrificed something to pool their money and give it as a belated birthday gift to Py.

They were my friends, but now they are also Pyro's friends...

I've said it before, but I will say it again... cancer, for all the pain it causes, also inspires such love and kindness in people. And you discover that no matter how personal the battle, you're not alone in the world.

There IS always a helping hand, somewhere.

There IS always a ready smile.

Love IS really just around.

And you hope some more, and believe some more, because your spirit is reminded of a reason to.

*~*

Pyro, at 5 months old (Dec 2003)

2006-09-11T08:56:00.000+08:00

DON'T GIVE UP ON US, BABY

As of this writing, Pyro has been confined in PCMC for over two weeks now. A more aggressive chemo treatment resulted in dehydration for him, since he couldn't stop from vomiting. Around Wednesday last week, he started getting high fevers and convulsions. Last weekend, he required platelet transfusion because his white-blood cells level were low.

June = 2nd surgery
July and August = radiation treatments
September = chemo

No wonder the poor child's body couldn't take it anymore.

We don't even know yet if he can be discharged soon. He's also had to undergo several other tests to rule out other complications...

And what broke his heart wasn't really the long hospital stay... but being chained to his hospital bed when all the other kids got to flock in malls and meet Batista in person.

Yes, Pyro loves his wrestlers.

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Pyro immitating Undertaker

*~*

I know there is a God. I know that the human spirit triumphs.

I just hope Pyro doesn't give up.

Please, pray for him.

*~*

My SIL recorded him singing TULOG NA... my sister had me listen to it and all I could do was cry and cry and cry.

He's only 3 years old to have gone through so much.

And I don't know what else I could do for him.

*~*

You can listen to Pyro sing... Pyro's version of TULOG NA.

2006-08-25T21:11:00.000+08:00

CHEMO CYCLES AGAIN

Next week, Py stands to have his heart broken again as he returns to chemo treatments... and start losing his hair and eyelashes again. I'm wondering, will he think, at the grand young age of three, that Papa Jesus is taking back His gift of hair to him...

Awww shucks, look at me, crying again.

But actually, we have much to rejoice about where my nephew is concerned. Sure, his parents still owe his doctors some P70k from his surgery last June... and the chemo treatments will cost them again greatly every three weeks... but still, ten months since he was diagnosed with cancer, Pyro has continued to thrive and grow and make friends and discover stuff and learn songs. He's not even small in terms of height... but yes, he could stand to gain some weight (because he's remained at 10 kilos since October last year). It's really amazing how his growth hasn't been stunted so by all the medical procedures he's had to endure. When not confined in the hospital, he's happy and noisy as a lark and it is absolutely priceless to have him able to be happy.

Last month, at my trip to Ilog Maria with my husband's family, I bought several tubs of Royal Jelly, ahoney product touting to be nature's powerful rejuvenator, promotes restful deep sleep, eases stress, tension and anxiety, stimulates glands secretion of balanced hormones, increases fertility and alievates impotence. It's supposed to promote rapid tissue repair and I figured Pyro needs that so much. But of course, Royal jelly doesn't exactly taste nice so I asked my nephew's yaya to follow up the dose with honey. But alas, that trick wouldn't suffice and Pyro gets nauseous.

But heaven blessed us with a helper who wouldn't quit on Pyro... the yaya decided to just mix the Royal jelly with honey and feed it to Pyro that way. Of course the dosage didn't say if that was ok or not, but surely all is not lost that way! And true enough, the yaya just called, asked to inquire where the product could be bought because Pyro's appetite was inspired! Anything and everything to make him eat! :) I'm really so happy, i'm moved to tears.

Oh... and the doctors are more optimistic now after his radiation treatments. I really hope it's not too much to ask God that my nephew be declared cancer free by end of this year. Wouldn't it be totally grand to have a fresh start next year? Just thinking about being able to make plans of beach trips and zoo trips and maybe even Disneyland in HK fills my eyes again with tears.

Hay. Am such a crybaby today.

Maybe because... we passed by Metropolitan Hospital today when I picked up a cake for my boss... where it all started... where it all went wrong. And I don't remember anymore the name of Pyro's original pediatrician... but I really hope she's haunted by her incompetence (for lack of a stronger word) with Pyro. Since we cannot sue her, I just hope Pyro at least help save other kids by making her pay more attention... or by retiring.

Hmm... actually, I think I also have the birthday blues... made more significant because it was on my birthday that Pyro's cancer was discovered... nameless still by then, but already critical.

2006-08-07T21:51:00.000+08:00

STILL LIVING ON PRAYERS

Py was a little feverish at his birthday celebration last 22nd. But he still loved his cake and the cramped place filled with his cousins cheering him up was testament to just how much love one little child can generate... for himself and in others.

for other pictures, click here

*~*

This week will see the last of his radiation treatments. His chest is all burnt up, and my grandma couldn't help but be bothered by the sight of his spindly legs running about at our family reunion yesterday. But ten months after he was diagnosed with cancer, he's still prevailed and remained a happy, adorable child.

I don't want to say much about it... but please pray for my friends who are rallying together to give Pyro a really wonderful gift.

And please pray harder that things pan out well with PCSO and St. Luke's regarding the medical aid we sought.

*~*

2006-07-21T09:42:00.000+08:00

no sad posts for today 'coz it's Pyro's birthday!

I first knew you were coming
into our lives
on New Year of 2003
and though I felt bad and sad
for your Dad
I was jumping up and down in glee
Sure enough, you arrived
seven months later
and made us all happy as can be
You were cute, a bundle of joy
We loved you and lived for you
Everybody knew and can see

Nothing has changed, darling
Nothing indeed
We still adore your face
your smile
your sweet smell
We're still amazed at how quickly
you're learning
Needing us less and less
while demanding more and more
each day
And today, all I wish for you
is good health
that you see yourself through
for the good times
God keeps you in His hands, Py
while we keep you in our hearts.

2006-07-16T17:51:00.000+08:00

No updates really, Py's halfway through with his radiation treatemnts. And he's celebrating his 3rd birthday on July 21 (but we'd have the small party on July 22 instead).

He's still much loved, of course.

2006-07-04T20:49:00.000+08:00

FRESH TEARS, SAME FEARS

Pyro started his radiotherapy treatments the last day of June. His birthday is July 21 and we don't know if we have enough resources for a birthday party... and if he'd be up to actually party. Being a tot traumatized already by hospitals and doctors and syringes etc, he requires anesthesia every day... EVERY DAY... for THIRTY days. Unless of course we want the radiation to hit his internal organs and what-not (and if we did, we wouldn't have tried coming up with the money for this more expensive treatment).

There we were, bothered by the fact that Py, as expected, is upset with the daily treatments and isn't eating much... only to be told that he has to undergo another check-up by his team of experts at PCMC because it seems (to his radiologist) that there is A NEW MASS agressively growing right where he just had an operation less than a month ago.

(details are given to me second-hand... but my brother just told me that Py's latest CT scan before his radiation treatments suggested that there is a new mass at his mediastinum... and now they've noticed that his chest has swelled yet again, strengthening the suspicion that there IS a new mass indeed... and so soon after his second surgery... and I really don't get why his radiologist cannot make the decision to perform the lab tests necessary to verify this fear and waste precious days before the child can be brought to the other doctors)

Hay. I've been seeking comfort from friends again... crying to them over this.

God, please... make Py well na please.

2006-06-27T09:16:00.000+08:00

UPDATES

For a while, there was depression and desperation after Pyro's surgery because his doctors strongly recommended that he undergo radaiation treatments which would cost as much as his 2nd surgery.

We're only middle-class... and we've already spent a lot on my nephew's treatments. And it's really been exhausting to spend so much and see him in pain and still not know when and how this will all end.

Add to that the fact that the health and medical system here sucks... but I won't rant about that anymore since i've already cried to friends about it... and I am still able to be grateful because we're not among the POOR who know nothing and have nothing to spend on their own health problems.

Anyway, Pyro was masungit after his surgery. But he's continued to thrive. Though thin, he's not small (in height) for his age. His overall development doesn't seem to have been that compromised.

He's turning 3 years old soon. A friend of mine already sent him an advanced birthday gift :) Typically, he's requesting for a Jollibee birthday but since his radiation treatments would be every day for 30 days... and the expense of the treatments and the logistics of bringing him to St. Luke's everyday... we're still not sure if we can throw him that kind of party.

But I know he'd be happy in his own way on that day... after all, he's growing hair again :)

Py making pa-cute kay Ninong Jojo

2006-06-09T17:09:00.000+08:00

AMAZINGLY ENOUGH

... Pyro gets discharged from the hospital today. This after a second operation that was truly bloody (he had to be transfused with 6 whopping bags of blood, and the doctors didn't have time to cross-match the blood because he was bleeding profusely).

His first surgery just 5 months ago had him confined for two weeks. But again, he amazed all doctors when he woke up soon after the operation... crying at the recovery room asking for his Mom, while all the doctors and nurses surrounded him and brought him to his waiting parents (after failing to stop his crying).

And when he gets home, he immediately had his yaya call my sister to tell her that he's already WELL and out of the hospital.

Oh, and he sings "Baby Love" all the time :) Turns out he loves the photo slide I made.

Bought cookies and cheese and different goodies for him yesterday... and gave the PINK Sponge Bob shirt and Baby Einstein instructional DVD I bought for him at Divi. Hopefully, he'd love the shirt enough and insist on wearing it (because his Mom didn't like the idea of her son wearing pink... then again, she wasn't too keen about me buying all those Yellow and Orange shirts for Py before either... and Py still looks best in the clothes I bought for him, hehe... SIL wants him to wear BLUE all the time and I haven't gotten around to telling her that Py is the hot-blooded type who'd look best in reds, yellows, pinks and oranges).

Felt my brother's depression over the expense. Am still juggling my own expenses so I can give him some money because our parents are running out of funds too. That and the fact that my Dad is also shouldering most of the expenses for my uncle. I can't imagine how my brother must be feeling... knowing he cannot actually finance all the remaining treatments for his son, and still not knowing if there'd be a good ending to all these.

Sigh.

Py has to undergo radiation treatments... because they can't scrape off all the cancerous gluck that's on his chest-bone. The radiation treatments will be very risky... because the cancer is too close to his heart.

And then there'd be more chemo treatments.

I tell my SIL that at least Py will have hair on his birthday (his utmost wish) but my SIL's face darkens, knowing that once the chemo treatments start anew, Py will lose his hair again... and thus will be depressed all over again.

Still, Py is still blessed because he's come this far. I'm just wondering, if he had ove a hundred guests for his 2nd birthday... how many kaya this time? :) I'm ordering a Sponge Bob birthday cake for him... and hubby will be in charge of the video... and am looking at giveaways now too.

Heck... every day he's still with us is a day to celebrate. And back in October, when all these started, we really didn't know if he'd be alive to see his 3rd birthday.

And he's still here.

And my heart is aching so badly now because the tears are threatening to come... so I'll stop now.

Thank you everyone, for the prayers.

God is Good.

2006-06-05T08:31:00.000+08:00

A GREAT BATTLE FOR HIM TODAY

I don't know what time exactly he'd be operated on today, but am guessing he's already at the O.R. being prepped.

I've just finished texting friends and family again, people with busy lives and problems of their own, to pause for a while and say a little prayer for my beloved nephew. I know I won't be disappointed.

I trust his surgeon to do everything to make sure he survives this. And after all that he's been through, i'm not as scared anymore that he'll make it through the surgery (that, or am in denial). But the bigger question is: Will this be the turning point for the better days? Will we beat his cancer this time?

*~*

I got to touch his cancer. Well, sort of. See, the new growth is at the same area, but it grew downwards. And all the delays in the lab tests and scheduling made sure the tumor will grow aggressively yet again. And last Friday, when we visited Py to bring him the gelatin I make that he loves, I touched the protruding part of his chest where the tumor lies.

And when I say 'protruding', it's like a bone dislocated or broken at your arm... you can actually touch it and feel its shape.

*~*

I'm told that Py says the same prayer over and over. God, I pray You'll grant him his wish.

*~*

I painstakingly learned to create photo slides ala AVP for him, with songs like God Only Knows, Just the Way You Are, All You Need Is Love, Baby Love, Somewhere Out There and Tulog Na... featuring mostly his baby pictures (except for Tulog Na because that would seem morbid so I just got pictures off the internet of babies and animals sleeping).

I honestly thought it would delight Py.

But I felt it made him feel depressed... because he just watched it quietly, perched in my sister's arms. And you can see in his eyes that somewhere in that baby mind of his, wheels are turning and some things were too big for him yet to express.

I made sure not to include pics of him without his hair (and generally used pics of him up to 2 years of age)... and now am thinking if that was a mistake or not.

*~*

He's still cute you know. I felt that he was a little warm so his yaya got his digital thermometer. While my sis and cousins were playing 1-2-3 pass with his cousins (he'd sometimes mess with them by shouting 1-2-3-4-5 ting-ting-ting ala boxing/wrestling)... I got his temp.

I got sidetracked and didn't notice the beep but he did. He matter-of-factly removed the thermometer and told me, "Tapos na. 36"

:) His temp was 37.35 degrees Centigrade.

2006-05-30T09:09:00.000+08:00

PYRO'S PRAYER

Papa Jesus, sana po galing na ako
sana din po, bigyan nyo na ako ng buhok, thank you. Amen.

Unfortunately for my nephew, he still hasn't undergone the surgery his doctors say is necessary for the cancer.

And I am seriously, seriously frustrated with all of them right now. It's been over 6 precious weeks since his last chemo. Lab tests, check-ups and surgery kept getting postponed because one or the other of his 3 doctors (or some other doctor to perform the CT scan) are out-of-town. I know Py also had an on-and-off fever and some colds... but it feels like it doesn't even bother them... or suggest to them that it's the tumor going stronger yet again that's causing the fevers.

I've been pestering my brother for weeks now... and all they can say is that yet another doctor was unavailable... and then Pyro got sick na nga. What I don't understand is why the doctors cannot refer my nephew to someone else (surely, they're not the only competent ones?)... even just to get all the lab work done and advice us on what other tests should be done... I understand that his surgeon is the Head of TCVS at PCMC and is probably the best, but he's been back for over 2 weeks now and Py still hasn't returned to the O.R.

And yet they're all the ones who told us that TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE... worse, TIME IS OUR ENEMY. I understand all the tests and consultations they do are necessary to lead to informed decisions... but surely, if they were such experts, those can be done in less than a month? Surely, those things can be coordinated in less time?

I am well aware that any surgery poses risks... what more, the surgery Py is scheduled to have for the second time. And yet, I am more scared that we're letting the tumor get the better of this kid because we're not dealing with it more vigilantly. And shouldn't his doctors be the first to be vigilant? They're supposed to know better, by virtue of training and experience, to handle such things... is this really their best effort?

I believe my brother and SIL are not being demanding and exacting enough. But I can't exactly blame them since this is most personal for them.

And yet, even they don't matter. What matters is there's a new tumor growing inside my nephew... and after 7 months of hell, we still can't see how it will all end for him.

*~*

It's cute, how Py would ask for hair. But it's also very tragic... instinctively he knows that growing hair again would mean he's 'normal' again, just another one of the noisy boys in the country looking forward to birthdays and trips to the Zoo.

*~*

God, we know You have a plan. It's frustrating that we don't know, but we hope that it is Your will to allow Pyro to get better soon. Please, allow Pyro to be better soon. Let this surgery be the last, and the 4 chemo sessions be the last. Let Pyro have a childhood he can enjoy. Let Pyro grow up to lead a long, healthy, inspiring life.

2006-05-21T23:06:00.000+08:00

REQUESTING HELP THRU PRAYERS, PLEASE

Yes, it's surgery again for Py. After waiting for his doctors to return to work (I didn't ask anymore if they were gone on vacation or some convention) and either run/prescribe the tests he needs or interpret the lab results of those tests (we waited for over a month!), we're waiting again for Pyro to be well enough to have the surgery.

He was supposed to have it last week... but he suffered from an on and off fever. Now, he's got a terrible cold that made my SIL borrow my nebulizer for him to give him some relief.

Hubby and I bought a Sponge Bob cap and a Spiderman towel for him (he's got way too many stuffed toys and pillows already) and went to visit him last night with my sister and cousin. And despite the sadness that it's not yet over... and the wondering when it will be over for him... for us... I am humbled (and PROUD... and GRATEFUL) that it was Pyro who actually lifted up my spirits last night.

How?

Well... because he showed JOY in our visit... and was quick to 'recover' from his colds... enough to show us his toys and sing us songs (tik, tik, tilaok, sabi ng manok) and wrestle with his Ninong... and show us again the pillow Jojo gave him (a nondescript blue thingie from an airplane) and hug it to him. Basta... he was so KULIT and CUTE...

Don't believe me? Click here for proof.

Love you Baby... I trust that God will do the rest in your road to recovery, as we try and give you the best we can. *Mwah*

2006-04-24T11:09:00.000+08:00

I am praying for those medically in-charge of Py... that they be healthy and available to go to work, so Py can have his CT scan... and we can have the results that we need.

Time is of the essence, and I fear we may be running on empty.

2006-04-17T09:09:00.000+08:00

NEXT STOP, ANOTHER CT SCAN

Hopefully, new scans will yield results that will allow fuel our hope that there are better days ahead for my nephew.

Meanwhile, we miss him so.

Anita Stergiou's Monochromatic Paper, Paper from Easter by jaimie, Butterfly from baby Bug Kit, Soft Sherbet Frosty, Friendship Overlay buttons, Inkburrow, Bathingcap and Angelina fonts

2006-04-10T11:09:00.000+08:00

HOPEFULLY, THE SEVENTH TIME IS LUCKY

I'm actually not sure if this is indeed the seventh (or sicth time) Py has had chemoherapy. I'm pretty sure he got chemo treatment before he was operated on last january...but again, am not sure.

He gets discharged from the hospital today... after several days of basically feeling groggy and in pain... and throwing up everything he ingests...

On one hand, it's like October still... and we're all still stuck in the hell that Life threw us in, riddled with questions and non-guarantees.

On the other hand, Life didn't stop still for our grief... and even Py, who's sick, has continued to thrive and develop like any other toddler. I can't even say that he is an unhappy boy. His battle rages on, and we're all still around to help see him through. The prayers haven't stopped... but the tears don't come everyday anymore.

It's both good and bad that we've learnt to live with his cancer.

And, in three months time, he'd be three years old.

Calvin & Hobbes and Garden Dingbats fonts, Easter by Jaimie - Element Grass, LSmith Girl Thing Kit - Element Butterfly

Shabby Princess - Two Soon Kit (Floral Paper), Sweet On You Free Kit (Double Heart Kelfin), Lainie Day, Inkburrow and Jane Austen fonts

2006-03-30T09:09:00.000+08:00

A SORT OF GOODBYE

Thankfully, Pyro hasn't succumbed yet to his disease. But he and his Mom are moving out of my parents' home... and living with his Mom's parents. Partly because there's tension at home and partly because his Mom's mother wants to help care for Py...

So, it's going to be a goodbye. Gone will be the days when i'd see and hear and breathe him everyday. Gone will be the times when he'd be making lambing and joining me in my bed, or at the other house. Soon, he may not be so enamored of his Ninong (my hubby) and be closer with his other Ninong (his uncle) instead. Soon, the treats I used to offer to him first will have to be sent to him via my brother.

Yes, he'd have playmates there. But I cringe at the possibility that he'd be eating more junk food and drinking softdrinks with his cousins, kids who aren't sick like him (or judgmentally on my part, kids whose parents don't love their kids enough to steer them away from junk food). Good luck to my nephew's kidneys then. Oh ok, maybe I should have a little more faith that my sis-in-law will stick to a healthy diet for him because his doctors have already advised them so.

Hay. I don't even want to dwell on it because I know i'd be crying a lot. It has to be enough that I loved him before, and that I love him still, and that we'd forever love him and pray for him... and visit him from time to time.

His next chemo treatment is slated for April 16. Easter Sunday.

Lately he hasn't been eating as much as he used to. I can't help but be paranoid that the new growth might be overpowering his systems again.

Hay. Have I already mentioned that this new growth seems to be growing downwards this time? Before... it grew right-wards and cramped his right lung (because it grew to the size of his lung).

We don't want another surgery. Honestly, it's not really fun to spend some P200k to have a child you love opened up, traumatized so early by things he can't really grasp yet.

But then again, I can't say that I have a full grasp of the situation myself. I understand how this isn't personal... and if others can lose years, fortunes and lives to cancer, why can't we, right?

Still... everything can't help but become personal when it happens to YOU, or someone you really, really, really LOVE.

*~*

By the way...

if you are seeking medical information, or answers to health-related questions... check the following out :)

Doc Emer's Medical Blog
- a medical doctor directs you to significant literature and studies, shares his opinions, gives general warning/medical advice in the hope that Pinoys will take better care of themselves

RX PInoy
- a directory of doctors and dentists in over 90 specialties in the Philippines and is free to use by the general public.RxPinoy also has an online facility called Ask-a-Doc, where anyone on the net can ask health-related questions FOR FREE from any of over a hundred volunteer doctors, dentists and other health professionals, including pharmacists and psychologists.

RX Pinoy: MyHealth
- a community blog of stories from people about staying well

RX Pinoy: Technophyte
- whose purpose is to figure out how technology can be used to improve the terribly inefficient exchange of information between patients, doctors and the medical industry.

2006-03-16T08:24:00.000+08:00

PYRO'S SUCH A BLESSING

I expected a weepy, needy boy reduced to tears and lethargy, but Py returned home with his usual cheerfulness and energy, it's hard not to hug him and smile.

Still, he has moments of weakness. He's also very pale, and requires IM shots which my sister has begun administering to him yesterday. I asked my sis if Py cried when she did that, and she said "OF COURSE, HE CRIED. BUT HE LOVES ME SO IT'S OK"

*~*

On a more hopeful note, my sis-in-law decided to go into the business of selling homemade chocolates. It's not really going to bring in a lot of money, but it's still a fun way to be earning extra while she's not doing gigs.

Pray we sell a lot of them pls? :)

used Carpenter ICG, Calvin & Hobbes and LCR Prestigious Teddies fonts (pic taken just last night)

2006-03-14T10:15:00.000+08:00

MORE STRUGGLES AHEAD

Found out the 'hard' way that Py might require another surgery. It seemed, what couldn't be possibly removed by surgery and what should have been reacting to chemo treatments resulted in another tumor growing.

To say that i'm devastated will be putting it mildly.

To say that my brother is enraged will be an understatement too.

And my nephew will be returning home today, all weakened by the stronger cocktail administed to him, reduced again to a crying, needy boy.

And right now, though I acknowledge the presence of family and friends who are just as supportive and prayerful... I am left numb and wandering inside.

And I pray for guidance how to see my family through this. For we have to stay and stand together to really help this child.

*~*

Py, it's Lolo's birthday today. He loves you very much.

2006-03-10T10:15:00.001+08:00

ANOTHER CHEMO SESSION

Py leaves home again today for another chemo session. But he's really come a long way in accepting his 'fate', aware that he'd being hospitalized the following day and not acting up about it.

Resigned. Is that good or bad?

I put some blessed oil from the Sto. Niño devotion my MIL goes to, where her only petition is Pyro's recovery, on my nephew while he chatted us away with pleas to put nail polish on his toes (err... he grew up with more women than men around). He allowed us to kiss and hug and smother him all night. He insisted I feed him ice cream... and wouldn't eat anything offered by my sis.

Haaay. We really, really love him.

And i'm trying so hard to temper my frustration with his doctors... with his illness.

After all, for all intents and purposes, he's developing as usual.

*~*

(inspired by Aggie's latest layout) Used Joycards, NipandTuck and A Yummy Apology fonts

2006-02-28T09:15:00.000+08:00

MORE SCANS

We know he's still sick. We know that it isn't over yet for him, nay, it may never ever be over for him. But always, there is that moment of rage and utter sadness when you get confronted again by the fact that it isn't over yet for him.

Still, his last chemo went relatively FINE for him. He went home after several days of confinement a little weakened but cheerful just the same. He was even sweeter to all of us, and would often greet me again with arms spread out, demanding a hug.

Woke up to see him all dressed up today for his CT scan, brain scan and abdominal scan. It seems his SLDH (?) levels didn't decrease after the removal of his tumor, and his oncologist wants to make sure that they are missing nothing.

But oh, is Pyro cheerful.

My sis, who didn't have classes yesterday, made these elevator buttons to paste on the archway dividing our sala and dining area. Now, Pyro sits under that arch on his mini-chair and invites people to board his elevator. He doesn't allow you 'in' till you've pushed any of the down or up buttons. It's so cute! I just didn't get to take a picture last night.

For anyone who's passing by, say a prayer for him naman that his scans turn out negative? Because we're really gunning for just 2 more chemo cycles to have him declared cancer-free...

What a blessing that would be for his 3rd birthday... which we're already planning, even if it's still in July.

*~*

God, thank you for a child's innocence and grace.

2006-02-13T10:15:00.000+08:00

AND THE CHEMO SESSIONS START ANEW

I thought his next chemo treatment is still on the 19th, so I was surprised yesterday when his Mom started packing their bags to go to PCMC.

I was sad. For the treatments start anew for him. And the glee (and noise) he has showered both houses with went away with him yesterday.

But yes, i know, yesterday, he went there in a more hopeful state than ever. And i know, we can really start re-claiming his health from now on.

*~*

He came up with the idea to play 'elevator' at home, using the arch that divides our living room from our dining area. He'd stand under that arch and have his Mom stand there with him. Then he'd announce that they're going up in an elevator.

He would also have Ninang Grace stand there with him.

I tried playing along, but unfortunately for me, I wasn't welcome. I was told not to ride the elevator with him.

Ninong Jojo was also unwelcome. HINDI DAW KASYA :)

*~*

Love you, love you Py.

*~*

meanwhile, my colleague shared with me an article from the Philippine Daily Inquirer (11 feb 2006 issue) about Project: Brave Kids, in coordination with Philippine CanServe, both of which are working to help less finacially-able families to get help for their cancer-stricken kids.

hopefully, more people will be contributing to their cause... and please join me in saying a silent prayer for everyone whose lives, in one way or another, have been touched by cancer.

2006-02-08T10:15:00.000+08:00

LET THE PICTURES SAY IT ALL

His next chemo treatment is over 10 days away still. Sleep is the only rest his mouth gets, like what I said before, he's been eating like a pig. Sometimes, he'd even wake up at 12 midnight hankering for a banana (which he never used to like).

First time in a long time for us to see roundness in his cheeks...

And of course, where there is a baby getting healthier, there is a happy daddy.

Thank you for the prayers again. We owe the world a lot of gratitude.

2006-02-03T10:15:00.000+08:00

SOME UPDATES

Kindness has brought many people here.

Anyway, pending Pyro's future check-ups, i'd just like to say that heaven has been kind and our collective prayers have been answered: Pyro continues to thrive.

He's been eating like a pig, seemingly making up for the weight loss. He's still skinny as hell, only 10.3 kgs at 2 1/2 years, but his ribs are no longer that visible/protruding anymore. He doesn't look like a starved boy from Africa anymore.

Sure, baths still scare him. But he usually forgets he's stitched on the side, because he'd have burts of childhood glee and would be running around the house. He's as makulit and demanding and pa-cute as before.

Just last night, he was playing with my dad's wig again. And weird tot that he is, he put the wig around this toy giraffe on wheels... and then got scared.

Ask him what his birthday gift to Ninang Rez is, and he'd say "SNAKE".

His Dad tells him they should give Ninang a cake too, and he'd be inis and say, "Hindi, snake lang!" :)

Sigh. It's good to have him back :) We let him cry a little now (my instructions) to exercise his lungs some more, hehe.

Thank you everyone. Thank you for the kindness. Thank you, thank you. :)

*~*

It seems only yesterday that we offered him to God, and true enough, God has been watching over him since.

Shucks, sentiness...

2006-01-27T09:15:00.000+08:00

AND YOU THINK I LOVE HIM

Pyro should have made his entrance with my niece Ela, as they were both Honorary Best Man and Maid of Honor. But my sis, who was MOH, insisted that Pyro escorts her.

People who read this blog, or those who know me personally, usually comment how touched they get that I so love my nephew.

But if they knew my sis, and how she is with Py, then they'd know what true devotion is.

*~*

Because Py was a baby in a household full of adults, it was really easy to be swept away from our cozy beds and restful sleep with just one whimper from the babe. It was automatic. it was reflex. But my sis was always the first one there.

Everyone HOVERED over his crib, his mat, over him. But it was my sis always the last to go.

Also, it's Grace alone who can manage to soothe Py without getting her patience tried, in the few times that Py's really sick, and therefore upset.

She can change his diaper. She can suffer his vomit all over her. She is always more than willing to suffer lack of sleep, attending to him instead of resting for school the following day. She efficiently feeds him. She very much adores him. She'd even buy stuff for him, saving up what she can from her allowance. Heck, she can even eat some of the stuff that Py makes luwa.

She even skips dates and late-night talks with her boyfriend just to take care of our nephew :)

And when Py first got sick, she missed school and more sleep. Always the first to DENY any chance of Py giving in to the sickness, she always remained with him, squeezing visits to PCMC (which is really far) with school and nursing duty.

I could go on and on and on... about how truly devoted she is to her. And one just has to see Pyro cling to her the minute he sees her, eventhough it's his Mom and Dad who mostly stays with him in the hospital these days, to know that Ninang Grace was someone Pyro knew he could really count on for unconditional love and comfort.

Ninang Grace was all his...

And I know, she'd be the happiest person on earth WHEN we hear that Pyro has truly beaten cancer.

*~*

Visited him yesterday. Doctors are amazed at how strong he seemes, despite the frail body. He's now eating solid foods (he's a fan of Goldilocks' raisin and oatmeal cookies dipped in milk). He's back to watching DVDs. He can even sit up now.

Of course, he looks bad. He gets thoroughly bothered when Jun shows his stitches to people. He gets upset when nurses and doctors come in. He sometimes just stare at you. Sometimes, he cries in that really heartbreaking way where he's just quiet while a lone tear falls from the corner of his eye...

Still, it's going to be one heck of a homecoming when he gets discharged after this operation :)

*~*

Attina, I don't know you but I was greatly touched by your kindness. I'd like you to know that Pyro played with the 'cellphone' you gave him and would even pretend to be listening to someone over it :) I'd take a picture next time.

Again, thank you for the kindness...

And thank you for the kimono too :)

2006-01-25T09:04:00.000+08:00

HE WAS IN GOD'S HANDS ALRIGHT

And we're still amazed at how well he has responded to it all. Our beloved is really a fighter... and maybe because he's young, he still has much of life in him.

Anyway, it was with great gratitude and happiness when my brother texted me yesterday to inform me that Pyro has been DISCHARGED from the ICU. His lungs could operate just fine :) And my brother thanks everyone, and asked me to be specific and thank the readers of this site who have been praying for his son.

And of course, he asked for more prayers. But he need not do so.

For when I found out that Pyro's surgery went relatively well, I texted all the contacts in my fone book. Most replied with happiness too at the news, and all of them also said they have been praying for him every day/night... and that they'd continue praying for him... for COMPLETE RECOVERY.

I dare not hope so much since I know the road ahead is still a rocky one. But Py has survived 3 chemotherapies and 1 major surgery and he's still with us. That alone feeds the faith that God didn't give him to us two and half years ago only to take him away this early.

:)

Thank you all for helping us storm the heavens with prayers.

Py playing with our Mickey Mouse hands

Look past the fact that he looks old and sick, and he's too thin. Look at his eyes, his soulful eyes and that half-smile. Aren't they suggestive of a promise? And isn't my nephew beautiful?

2006-01-23T09:15:00.000+08:00

Py is already at the OR, as I post this.

Since yesterday, he's shown signs of fluid retention that caused his face to swell. They say that it's likely because of the dosage of the antibiotics being administered to him.

Anyway, I shall go about my business with bated breath... may my nephew survive this one.

UPDATE: 4:11 PM

Pyro has been released from the OR and is now recuperating in the ICU. He's also woken up.

The tumor taken from him is on its way to St. Luke's for further analysis, as they found cheese-like consistency there that they want to be looked into.

I had it all wrong, the tumor was actually outside of his right lung (but grew to what was supposedly the size of a lung) and was not able to develop nerves to attach (and contaminate, is that the right word?) itself to Pyro's vital organs. It was aggressive, yes, but not so bad.

So yes, even though Py has rehabilitation, more tests and more chemo treatments ahead of him... we're all able to breathe a little easier now.

And smile :)

2006-01-19T13:41:00.000+08:00

Unfortunately for us, and for Py, his high fever resulted in a decision to postpone his surgery.

So now, we wait again... while doctors consult if, in the event his fever doesn't subside (again, the fever seems to be the result of the tumor growth pushing/dislocating certain chest bones and his heart), they will risk surgery.

So, we wait again...

2006-01-18T19:50:00.000+08:00

THERE MAY BE NO SLEEP TONIGHT

... not just out of worry for Py, and the outcome of his operation tomorrow... but also because my Mom is REALLY NERVOUS, she just might have some sort of breakdown.

I wouldn't be too surprised if her blood sugar fluctuates, with all the stress.

Py would be put on a respirator tonight. He's still running a fever, and we don't know if the doctors will operate on him if his fever doesn't go away (a fever, i suspect, that's mainly a symptom of how aggressively the tumor is compromising Py's health).

He will be wheeled to the Operating Room at 8:00 AM tomorrow.

One of us can join him there. And I doubt his parents can, them already in shock. My cousin has volunteered.

I know my sis plans to skip school. I'm thinking of skipping work. I would be totally useless anyway.

Ah, God, grant us the serenity to accept your will. If it's Pyro's time... all I ask now is that he doesn't suffer much.

(to think... over a year ago, I was crying because Py was crying over his shots... and it was a necessary kind of pain... and I was already sad then at the thought that he'd grow up to skin his knees and break his heart...)

2006-01-17T18:15:00.000+08:00

THIS IS IT

I'm going to be admitted today.

And then i'm going to have my operation this Thursday.

Today marks the day I'd either start to really get better... or worse.

I'd like to say that today marks the day I start dying, but philosophically, my Tita Mec would say that I started dying the moment I started living, which was about the time my Dad's sperm fertilized my Mom's egg cell.

And then there's also that fact that people around me heard my biological clock ticking last October 03, when I first got confined.

Anyway, I hate to admit that i'm feeling tired already... of the medicines (I take about 5 different kinds now, every day), of the trips to the hospital, of seeing my 'elders' come and go and me not being able to tag along...

I'm also tired of breathing... for around 2 weeks now, it's really been hard to breathe. It's hard to even play anymore. And the right of my chest has gotten a little disfigured again. I guess the tumor in my lung is just really aggressive, and was all too happy to regenerate.

I don't know how long i'd be in the hospital this time.... or if i'd ever come out of it alive. I don't know how long i'd be in the ICU... or how long i'd be doped up for the operation. I don't know how long i'd last not actually seeing my family around me while in the ICU, because, of course having them around won't be so sanitary for all of us in intensive care.

I don't know when i'd be able to play with my toys again... or pose for pictures for Tita Mec. I'd miss Ninong Jojo's arrival back from Thailand, and I don't know when i'd get to borrow their Mickey Mouse hands. I don't know if my parents' portable DVD player will be allowed inside, or would I even be awake enough to watch movies from it. I don't even know if i'd be out in time to spend some loving time with Lola before she goes back to the US.

But Lola cooked her usual delicious lugaw for me this morning. She has so many other things to attend to but she's home with us because she loves me.

I wonder when i'd get to feel all the love of my loved ones again... when i'd truly smile again.

But I know Papa Jesus has a plan... and if HE wants me to play around fountains again, HE will make it happen.

Still, pray for me again?

And thank you to everyone who has been so kind.

2006-01-11T18:15:00.000+08:00

Py Baby,

Sometimes I wish you'd stop making lambing to me... preferring to have me feed you... kissing me when I least expect it... hugging me from behind... asking to view my wedding pics... playing with me as if you're buying stuff from me, or selling me stuff...

A lot of things...

Because it breaks my heart to know you'd be in a lot of pain soon... and what more, a dangerously critical condition.

But I love you, and i'd be brave for you.

And i'm praying things will work out... and that your rashes will go away.

Notice how your Mommy is SUNGIT lately? She's scared... so you also have to be strong for her ok?

And don't cry over little things... Lola gets very bothered.

We'd fight with you... for you...

But we need you to also grow up a little faster... and fight for us.

We love you...

We so love you!

Tita Mec

p.s.

I can't promise i'd never make Ninong cry again... he cries easily kasi... he loves me eh.

2005-12-27T02:25:00.000+08:00

Pyro enjoyed Christmas.

He spent it with cousins and family.

He even spent it outside.

He even enjoyed seafood at Seaside, and fireworks at the Pyro Olympics.

What's more... he's attending his tita's wedding, sporting an orange barong and his new Chuck Taylor's.

Aside from the wedding, he gave Christmas a whole wonderful meaning.

And he thanks everyone who has been kind to say a prayer for him.

And he kissed Baby Jesus and also offered a prayer for everyone else.

2005-12-16T13:09:00.000+08:00

A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

... or being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Or a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Talk about crossroads.

Pyro is undergoing his 3rd chemo treatment. And he's registering bad reactions again... he's back to not eating and being thoroughly traumatized.

Dr. Gepte (oncologist) wants the removal of the tumor asap. First, to reduce the cancer stage to Stage 1. Second, to eliminate most of the 'enemies'. Third, because it seems Py's cancer is very agressive, and all the chemo is doing is controlling the growth of the tumor/reducing the tumor size, but not killing the cancer itself. Fourth, the side effects of the treatments are endagering Py's vital organs already, making him weaker for the operation he MUST have, sooner or later.

Dr. Ong (pulmonologist) and Dr. Gonzales (surgeon) wants to make sure first that the tumor has been reduced to an operable size before they cut Pyro open. Both feel the reduced tumor size isn't enough, and the location of the cancer really critical. See, if Py gets opened up and Dr. Gonzales will only find that it will be more damaging to remove the tumor... he'd have to stitch Pyro up again, and this time, the kid will be more uncomfortable.

There's also that damnening fact that Py has to be 'fattened; up before he can continue with more chemo sessions, or before he could be operated on. But fattening him up also translates to getting his tumor fortified.

The doctors are now consulting with each other to give us options and discuss with us the risks... and then they'd be meeting with us.

*~*

QUO VADIS?

Where are you going?

Where are we headed?

*~*

We're all praying hard these days... for Py, for the people in charge of him.

It's kinda sh!tty too, to have him unable to enjoy the Christmas lights and shows everywhere... how he hasn't been to the mall for 2 months now... how he has been longing to see a fountain!

There'd be a fountain where am getting married.

And there'd be a fountain where am having my reception.

But eventhough the doctors gave their GO SIGNAL to have him attend as HONORARY BEST MAN... I left the decision to my brother and SIL... whatever they think is best for Pyro.

The wedding won't be as happy without him... or them... in the family pictures. But it's ok, if the absence would save his life somehow.

But again there's that thought... what if he doesn't make it? Wouldn't we regret not giving him the chance to camwhore himself to infinity on that day... and strut his stuff in an orange barong as was originally planned?

If you know you could lose a child anytime... do you really draw lines up to where and how you can make him happy?

2005-12-11T22:58:00.000+08:00

ALL HERE NOW

Those who watched Pyro grow from a teeny infant to a tot.

Friday ended with Pyro looking up to see who was entering our door, saw a really familiar face which he identified as "Mama".

Saturday began with my cousin Tin arriving from GenSan.

Sunday morning, my Mom woke everybody up to wake Pyro up.

Our house is officially jampacked with people. And Py's parents braved the risks and brought Pyro to Church with them... where he kept telling Tita Tin that they go to SM to buy balloon and cake.

His Mom bought balloon and cake. My SIL said, since she missed Pyro's birthday, the cake was justified. I couldn't agree more.

And when my sis teased my SIL if she had a message written on the cake... and what message... my SIL bowed her head, and got red a little from trying not to cry.

She missed a lot. Over the weekend, my SIL had to listen to us cram all the information and stories we can into her... for all the times she wasn't watching her son grow up... like what the heck is PINOY AKO, why was Py referring to himself as KUBA, why Py had nail polish on some of his toes, what food he loves, how much he's grown, what was he like during his chemo treatments...

I can't imagine how painful things are for her... eventhough she's already home.

To top it all, my Mom, who missed her only grandchild so much... sometimes fails to notice that my SIL has been away too. So the Lola is all over Pyro a lot, even asking the child to sleep with them instead.

Howell.

And because there was cake, and because there were candles, and because there was a divicam... Pyro blew out candles with all his family present, singing and clapping for him, as if it's really his birthday tonight.

We're all here now... Mom and Dad, Jun, Rez and Me, Ninong Jojo, Tita Tin and Tita Gang, and of course, Mommy Angie.

We all love him.

*~*

My sis keeps getting amazed at how strangers can feel for Py even without knowing him. Mom arrived ladden with toys from different people she met in the US, who knew about her cancer-stricken grandchild.

Like what my sis keeps saying... International ang concern for my nephew. :)

That's a real great Christmas gift.

2005-12-07T09:18:00.000+08:00

HAIRLESS (with pictures)

I'm sorry for not updating this lately.

On one hand, i've been real busy with wedding preps.

On the other hand, Py's 2nd chemo cycle went so beautifully non-traumatic. He was never depressed (unlike the 1st time). He also didn't go home depressed when he had another CT scan done last week.

Results say that the tumor responded to the chemotherapy treatments. By how much, am not sure. We're still awaiting his doctors' decision on how many more chemo treatments will be necessary to shrink his tumor to a more manageable size so they can proceed with surgery.

And Py has been overly makulit, he's been literally driving us crazy... or driving us into small accidents (plate falling on my sister's foot, for example).

He's been devouring cake and cereal... he's been drawing on walls and tables... he's been talking on the phone, making up conversations with people (we suspect) he misses... he's still always asking to go visit a fountain... he still loves going over picture books...

And when Ninong Jojo brings his divicam along... he says, "picture picture tayo Ninong" and hams it up, watching himself sing and dance from the divicam's lcd. Apart from "Happy Birthday", he now sings "Merry Christmas" too, enjoying the Christmas lights and the advanced carollers who have passed by our home.

And now, he refuses to eat cake pala without first having us light a candle on top of it, for him to sing to and then blow out.

Basta, he's so makulit, it's so easy to forget he isn't sick.

*~*

Last night, I got home with my eyes brimming with tears. My sis and cousin thought I had a fight with Jojo... actually, I was just depressed.

See, there is going to be a WORLD PYRO OLYMPICS held here in Manila on Dec 26-30. 10 Countries will be competing and the ticket would cost only P100.

PYRO... FIRE...

Have I said here that my nephew was named so because his mother sang "THROUGH THE FIRE" really well... and that was what ~~turned my brother on~~ made my brother fell in love with her?

And which kid didn't like Christmas lights and fireworks?

But we cannot bring Pyro there... not only is it risky to expose him to so many people (lest he catches something), the fumes/smoke from the fireworks would be bad for his lungs.

I was really very depressed yesterday about this... am better now.

I just really can't wait till this baby gets better.

2005-11-14T08:42:00.000+08:00

SIGH... THE FEAR

Some people have said that having an ill child is usually hardest on the adults, you who are aware of all possibilities and limited by statistics.

Anyway, suffice it to say that i've been greatly depressed by Pyro's shaved head since well... it was shaved. And dreading tomorrow when he returns to PCMC for another chemo cycle.

*~*

Because his Dad had to work last night, he slept with us. He, my cousin and sister would sleep on the floor in my bedroom at such times. My sister actually hates sleeping on the floor but she wouldn't sleep at my brother's bed with Pyro... and we wouldn't leave Pyro alone on a bed.

So floor it always is. (he has a comforter for a matress anyway... my sis has to make do with my earth pad)

Anyway, woke up this morning and looked down.

Imagine my fright when i thought Pyro had been left alone, and was malikot, and managed to wrap a blanket around his face.

I literally jumped from the bed and was going to snatch at the blanket, already praying that he's still breathing... when I saw his beautifully shaved head.

It was his feet that was wrapped with the blanket.

Gah....

2005-11-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

HAIRLESS

My cousin bathed Pyro after he got his head shaved. Later on, when the fact that he's hairless already sank in...he told my cosuin, "Tita Gang ha, ikaw ha, ligo moko!"

And then he shouts to our helper, "Dimples!!! Asan buhok ko?!"

*~*

Pyro has a stuffed toy that looks like a real dog my father owns in Lipa. A researcher for Joy bathroom tissue gave me a pillow with a face of a dog as a token for answering their survey questions.

Py asks me, "Bakit dog walang buhok?"

I answer, "Kasi baby pa sya"

He asks again, "Betchay may buhok, sya ala?"

I answer, "Betchay old dog. Joy little dog... tingnan mo ikaw, little boy, walang buhok"

*~*

The little tyke refuse to leave me alone these days. Am almost tempted to beieve that having shared my milk with him once had this "gayuma" effect on him, because he was never needy of my attention before.

Now, he refuses to leave me alone, even when am sleeping.

*~*

And because I love him so, I feed him bopis, and frozen Chuckie.

*~*

Two days before his 2nd chemo. The shape of his head also bothers me... but am wont to fear because I think am already traumatized.

4 more weeks before my Mom arrives.

2005-11-07T08:42:00.001+08:00

I NEED TO RANT

One would think that your only child having cancer, and him being only 2 years old and requiring a major thoracic cardiovascular surgery (where he could die during the operation) on top of chemotherapy treatments would be enough to put the fear of God in someone... and make him change for the better.

Like become more responsible and considerate.

Like be humbled enough to be grateful and sensitive.

Like be more loving.

Heaven really help me but i've often wondered why my brother couldn't have the cancer instead.

I will not even deny the fact that I consider my brother such a thorn on my side... I love him, true, but there were times I couldn't help but wish God would just take him and spare us pain.

Esply since before, my biggest fear was something really bad has to happen to our Mom (who is also to blame for enabling him to be such a jerk) to shake my brother up and change him for the better.

Jojo once said, God really knows His stuff... trying us where we'd most bleed. And as much as I hate my brother, I'd never have wished a sick child on him. Watching all those times he cried before, my heart would also break for him.

No parent should have to go through this agony.

Which brings me back to my first sentence.

How come then that my brother spends more time tinkering with his motorcycle than attending to Pyro? How come then could he spend hours and nights away hanging out with friends, leaving Pyro to our care? How come then that he keeps forgetting to buy certain things Pyro needs, from diapers to formula to moisturizers?

Ahhh... I could go on and on.

My cousin is postponing a prospective stint abroad for next year... because she knows Pyro needs her.

My sister who has to wake up at 4 AM every day tends to Py when his sleep is disturbed (mainly because he feels it when nobody is sleeping beside him and this upsets him).

But all our caring seem a little pointless because we know it's his Dad he needs the most. His Dad, who didn't even have to ask for help.

His Dad, who has yet to utter a simple word of thanks to any of us.

His Dad, who has yet to make us feel secure that he's finally a responsible Dad.

*~*

Pyro is getting his head shaved today.

He's shedding hair like a dog and he's getting irritated by it. Plus, it's already starting to depress us to look at him.

*~*

Last night, to entertain him, we played PINOY AKO. My sister and I danced the steps for him to immitate and dance along with us.

He did, for a time. But he got easily tired. But he delighted in being swayed to the music in our helper's arms while watching his aunts dance for him.

This after eating cake with flowers.

And then after this, I shared my milk with him.

Anything for Py.

*~*

The fear is so bad that it's gotten to a point where I hate hearing Pyro giggle so much... afraid he wouldn't be able to catch his breath, afraid it would make his heart stop.

2005-11-07T08:42:00.000+08:00

THE CALM BEFORE THE 3RD STORM

The 1st storm was the some two weeks that led to his diagnosis.

The 2nd was his first chemo cycle.

The 3rd will be his 2nd chemo cycle (on the 15th).

*~*

He didn't gain any weight ever since he got out of the hospital. He's back to drinking milk (after a night where he drank mine) and he's voracious an eater as ever (sometimes still eating spaghetti at 10 pm) but he hasn't gained weight.

So now, eventhough the oncologist detected improvements in his breath sounds... my heart cannot be still. What if the tumor, like some parasite or ghost in him, is just absorbing all the nutrients he's been getting? It's like having a demon crouched in a corner, ready to strike again after it's regained strength and power.

Sigh.

*~*

Where before he'd only sing along with the PBB theme song, "Pinoy Ako", now he also dances to the tune, complete with the proper steps!

And because we already have a videocam, he's been a camera-whore all weekend, delighting in watching himself from the LCD monitor of the cam, making faces and singing songs.

*~*

This picture was taken before leaving for PCMC for his first chemo cycle. I was adamant that we take a picture of him then because I knew he might look different after his treatments.

Well, his hair has started falling off.

2005-11-02T08:23:00.000+08:00

THE RESPITE, SO FAR

Pyro has been this manic eater at home. He's still skin and bones and we sometimes notice how WEAK his spindly legs really are... he hasn't gotten back his groove and run around the house for a loooong time now. But still, he eats a lot and he's very, very noisy.

He heralds his wakefulness every morning by squeezing the trigger on this Avilon chicken souvenir that crows. He does that about a dozen times until someone gets fed up enough to feed him.

The crow hangs by the Christmas tree. That's where he usually sits near... ready to play with my Kissing Bells (which I have yet to finish) and rearrange them around the tree.

Our bad though, he refuses to drink Pediasure. Or any milk for that matter. I was able to get him to take in some 2 ounces of carabao's milk but that was it. We tried making Pediasure into ice candy for him but he started bawling like crazy after the first bite.

He loves vanilla ice cream though. I think we've had ice cream 4-5 times in the past week.

He also loves pizza.

And french fries.

And balut 'soup'.

And dilis. My gosh, we had dilis for 3 days because that's what he kept asking for!

And though the child is still skin and bones, it became easy to overlook the dry skin and thinness because he's playing a lot, and noisy enough, and eating like crazy.

*~*

He goes in for a check-up tom. I hope it doesn't depress him so. We have some 14 days before his next cycle.

*~*

The worry doesn't go away, for the uncertainties remain.

Yesterday, I snapped at Grace because she made this thoughtless comment that she'd stay with Pyro at home on my wedding day (she's the MOH).

See, we're not sure if Pyro should be allowed to grace my wedding because there'd be all these people there who might give him some virus.

It wouldn't be the same without him (and chances are, my hipag and bro would stay with him, making my family incomplete in the picture-taking)... but how can I also be selfish and insist on his presence when it could be the death of him?

Anyway, it's his doctor's call.

2005-10-27T08:43:00.000+08:00

O, BEAUTIFUL AFFLICTION

O Beautiful Affliction
Merciful pain
This mortal wounding bringing me to life again
In suffering there’s healing
This darkness revealing
Silence speaking volumes to my soul
O Beautiful Affliction
Blessed brokenness that makes me whole

- John Fischer

(thank you Rocks, for sharing to me this poem)

*~*

I know that Pyro is too young to even appreciate the truth in this poem... but am not talking about his pain. I'm referring to the painful truth of our mortality, and how, suddenly, life has become all the more precious and meaningful and magical.

Suddenly, time is not just gold, it's titanium and diamonds.

Cancer would always be a terribly ugly word. But if it has any rewards at all, it's the lesson of making every moment count.

*~*

Pyro is back to his weird, happy self. Imagine devouring rice with paksiw na isda and ginataang liswik for sabaw (yes, combined!). He's demanding and noisy and cute and hasn't vomited since yesterday afternoon. He's also enjoying the Chirstmas tree and lights in the house immensely.

And the flicker of hope that we can still have a happy Christmas is now a flame.

2005-10-25T13:50:00.002+08:00

THE FIRST CHEMO CYCLE ENDS

His chemo cycle consists of 3 drugs... Bleomycin, Cisplatin and Etoposide and lots of hydration and anti-nausea drug (one of which, Py was allergic to and almost killed Py last Friday).

He gets discharged today.

Hopefully he'd eat better when he gets home... and being home would result in less depression for him.

He's been reduced, not to just skin and bones, but to this whimpery child who always has to have someone holding him close in his hospital bed... starting to cry everytime the door to his room opens (even if it's just the janitor)... silent... without appetite...

The somewhat good news however is that he seems to be responding to the chemo treatment already... for his oncologist could already detect an improvement in the breath sounds in his right lung.

Truly, there is hope.

*~*

Jojo's Dad was released from his confinement last Fri lang. He's now instructed to get regular insulin shots.

*~*

I have a niece who was born with a hole in her heart. Her pediatrician detected this abnormality when she was only 3 weeks old. She's a thriving 4-yr old now... one of my flower girls.

However, the left part of her chest cavity swelled (?) or grew higher than her right... so she's scheduled for some tests to check.

*~*

Thanks to everyone who left kind words while I was generally away.

2005-10-20T20:38:00.000+08:00

AND SO IT BEGINS

I'm not sure if their consultation ended around that time, or the good doctor woke up, found I had a question she hasn't answered yet, and replied with nary a thought on what time it was...

But well, because I stayed home sick yesterday and was drugged the whole day (read: asleep the whole day) and because I knew that the conclusive findings were in and the doctors were going to relay all info to my brother (finally!)... I was unfortunately awake at 2 am.

Imagine what one would think when an oncologist tells you that your nephew has to be re-admitted in the hospital that day too, as opposed to just the scheduled parent-doctor dialogue.

And I did the only thing I could do at such an ungodly hour.

CRY.

Cry because my defenses were down and I was so scared.

I think I just had a pretty good idea how parents feel when the phone rings during the wee hours of the morn... and you know that one of your kids isn't home yet.

Good thing Doc Emer just got home and managed to calm me down with his text messages.

And good thing that Jojo woke up after my 3rd message to talk to me till around 3:30 am.

I've cried myself to sleep many times before...but never over a life.

Usually it was over some stupid love life.

I think I got tired pretty soon though... feeling so bad that it's the last night my siblings will probably sleep well... unsure when Pyro will be back home again...

*~*

Pyro woke up early, just past 6:30 AM. He took his meds for primary complex... and generally woke everybody up. So his Dad thought it would be fun for him to make lambing my cousin who was in my room.

I woke up... told him we have to have Pyro re-admitted. I think that was the moment when he really knew that it's really serious.

*~*

GERM CELL CARCINOMA located at his mediastinum and grew in his right lung.

Basically, the oncologist said we have two options:
1) Thoracic Cardiovascular Surgery then Chemotherapy, or
2) Chemotherapy then Surgery

The thing is, it's generally better (so the oncologist said) to remove the mass first because it's like killing ten enemies already, and then have the patient undergo chemotherapy.

However, since what Pyro has is so big and its location so critical... even a surgeon of 30 years experience wants them to try to reduce the mass a little because he couldn't guarantee that Py's heart would be able to take it.

Radiation is out of the question. It seems this treatment procedure doesn't work well with this type of cancer.

Py starts chemo tonight. And his survival will depend on so many things...

like the tumor responding to treatment
him not being allergic to chemo
his body not giving in to the disease
his body being able to mend after surgery
the tumor not continuing to grow
and every little thing in his body remaining stable... his white blood cells, his red blood cells, his kidney functions, his liver functions, etc

In short...

Miracles.

*~*

I always knew about cancer.

I read about it.

I read enough to be scared of it.

Then Chicken Soup for the Soul stories made me aware of how trying it could be, both for the patient and for those who love the patient.

Then I had two colleagues suffer from it. One of them has already died from it. And for some 2 1/2 years, we'd spend lunch times together... us 3, where they exchange stories of chemotherapy sessions in front of me. The other one seems to have fully recovered, albeit not without scars, both physical and emotional.

I have been scared to have a parent suffer from it.

Esply since I had to help watch over an uncle who had colon cancer (which has converted itself into prostate cancer).

I have dwelled on the possibility of me or my spouse suffering from it... as a result of second-hand smoking or pill use or stress or whatever.

But I have never, for the life of me, thought my real suffering from cancer would come in the form of the angel we've fallen in love with last 21 July 2003.

*~*

We're looking at 6-10 months of treatments and rehabilitation. And that is if we're lucky.

But we're going to be strong for Py.

2005-10-17T10:43:00.000+08:00

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

We thought the waiting game for the biopsy results from St. Luke's would end today... I was preparing for my world to totally crash or to be given MORE HOPE. But alas, some things are just meant to drive you crazy first before you get a reprieve.

Weirdly enough, we were advised to become out-patients for the meantime and be discharged today. Still awaiting advice from Dr. Gepte (Py'soncologist) but I think it will come through.

Today marks the 2nd week of this terrible ordeal. And I can't help but be glad that Pyro can come home, even for only awhile, thinking it would be less stressful for him at home since it is HOME.

But tell Py that we're going home and he now says "AYOKO".

After all, he's gotten used to riding on wheelchairs and laughing at the monkeys on the murals of PCMC's 2nd floor. He's even taken to reminding people to make him wear a mask whenever he ventures out of his room. He now even plays balloons with doctors and nurses and greets them heartily when they visit.

Of course, that's mainly because he hasn't been strapped to an IV for days now.

But it's really amazing how a child can easily make 'bad things' his friend... and adjust to depressing circumstances.

Py has learned to make the hospital his home.

And having us visiting him everyday helped, am sure.

And am now at a loss on whether this bodes well for him and his fight... will making the enemy (cancer) his friend kill it, or will making it his friend mean he'd embrace the illness and succumb to it?

And if Jojo isn't already very depressed about his godson, Life throws another ball his way and lands his father in the hospital.

Future father-in-law's kidneys are having problems, we think as one of diabetes' complications. His blood sugar and pressure are both still high and he's been confined for 3 days now.

When it rains, it pours.
But I know the same is true for blessings.

*~*

I've been dazedly praying ever since this started.

And i've been dazedly in pain.

And I know God will not always transform the pain or make it go away.

But I know pain transforms people.

Look at Py. :)

I just hope i'll be transformed for the better...

2005-10-14T13:17:00.000+08:00

HOW AM I GONNA COPE?

I cannot say there haven't been tears from my end over this. But the fact that my brother and sister both have shed copious amounts of tears already out of anguish, I find that I have also been relatively calmer than one would usually expect.

Especially since am one of the more melodramatic in the world.

Then again, I do become more calm and composed and objective when am most in pain.

Yes, some call it feeling NUMB.

And i've only had a decent sleep after they've confirmed that the tumor is malignant. I guess it helps knowing more about your enemy, because you can now give it a face, a name.

CANCER.

So, I go about my daily tasks, unable really to concentrate on work, and without the energy to tackle wedding preparations. I coordinate people staying with Pyro at the hospital, I monitor the bills, I play "bearer of bad news" for my Mom (who's in the US) and his Mom (who's in Vietnam) and I perform a regular text brigade asking people for prayers.

And last night, hearing phrases like "prognosis is very poor" and "these cases are very rare", all I could do was nod my head.

After all, i've come prepared with literature I got from the internet.

But of course, nothing will ever prepare me for the sight of my siblings sobbing. And I cried with them.

I can't remember a time that we cried like that, all 3 of us. Especially since Jun and I aren't really close. Time stood still and there was only pain.

But there I was, the eldest, holding them both... crying with them in a detached, observing ghost-like way.

I even noticed that one of my sister's hair has fallen on her uniform and brushed that away.

Or that she's quaking with emotion as she kept moving her head from side-to-side, seemingly wanting to negate or deny or erase all the things that the doctor has told us.

I wouldn't be surprised if she flunked her exams. She's been aching to just stay with Pyro since last week.

I even had to follow her to the chapel and cry with her some more.

Because I had to ask her to never cry again in front of Pyro. Doctor's orders.

And when she said she couldn't, I reminded her that she supposedly loves Py very much and will do everything for him.

That included being brave.

And to her question why God would send us a nephew and then threaten to take him away prematurely, I didn't really have an answer.

I just told her we will fight. And there is always hope.

But inside, I think I was already silently letting Py go. A coping mechanism, preparing for the worst.

And I am ashamed to be such a coward, to want to avoid pain so. Because this means am not 100% hopeful for Py.

And i'm sorry.

For I really want Py to live.

But I honestly think i'd rather we lose him soon, than see him completely waste away from this illness. I'd rather let him go than have him hold on because he could feel our need for him to be alive. I'd rather he have some more quality of life than to end his days trapped in the hospital.

And yes, those are fears talking.

But it doesn't mean we won't fight, that we wouldn't exert every effort and spend all our resources to give him a chance.

I just hope God will send us signs if it's already His plan to really claim Py again.

So yes, I'm letting go... and letting God.

2005-10-14T09:19:00.000+08:00

THE BEGINNING OF PYRO'S FIGHT

Pyro was never a chubby kid. He never seemed to have baby fats. But compared to my other nieces and nephews, we consider him healthy actually because he's only had the usual colds but always remained energetic and noisy.

The worst he's had is a recurring throat infection (mainly due to his infernal habit of sucking stuffed toys, pillows, blankets) and roseola.

Two weeks before my birthday, Pyro fell sick. He had fever for 3 days but his Dad dismissed it as nothing.

A week after, my cousin brought to our attention that Py is drawing his chest when he breathes. Monday last week, she was asked to bring Py to his pedia for a check-up.

The pedia (Dr. Siao-Ty) didn't find anything wrong, even with his breathing. But my cousin refused to leave her clinic so she had Py get his chest x-rayed to pacify my cousin that he doesn't have asthma.

When the pedia saw the x-ray films, she was shocked. She advised us that Py needs to be confined asap. Her first suspicion was pneumonia because Py's right lung was filled with some dense whatever.

Py was confined at the Metropolitan Hospital that same night. He was discharged Wednesday only to be transferred to the Philippine Children's Medical Center because the hospital said they were not equipped to deal with the tumor they found in Py's lung.

A week after Py's confinement at the PCMC, and after a fine needle biopsy was performed on him, all we're sure is that Py's tumor is malignant.

In fairness to PCMC, they have already sent an oncologist to talk to my family and his pulmologist also dropped by yesterday and we were able to talk, and he was able to explain some more what's really wrong.

Basically, what Heart Center (that's where they first brought in the specimen from the biopsy) was only able to determine is that the tumor is indeed malignant. They've just referred the specimen to St. Luke's to determine naman kind of malignancy and what stage so they can tell us talaga if it was a fast growing tumor or not and give them a better idea of treatment options.

Meanwhile, they're examining Py some more and performing more tests, checking if the cancer has metastasized to, or from, somewhere else in his body.

Weirdly enough, the oncologist said that based from experience and literature, few cancers with the lungs and they want to make sure if the lung is where the primary cancer is...

If not, there may be more hope for Py... because he'd likely respond to treatments... and a surgery would be more likely helpful.

But if not, if the cancer is limited to the lungs alone (I was wrong, I asked the size of the tumor, t's not just 3/4 of his right lung, it's his entire right lung and that lung has already collapsed actually because of the tumor)... they say that prognosis is VERY POOR... and they won't even advise surgery anymore...

Both doctors also assured that they are doing everything they can and trying to expedite everything....but such cases require no room for error so they also have to be diligent in their work and consultations... and they ARE AWARE that time is our enemy right now...

They may even have to get some bone marrow sample from Py... which will mean he'd require general anesthesia.

And the waiting game for us isn't over.